So, uh… I don’t know where to start. I figured I should update since I haven’t really said much of anything lately, and I figured I’d write and get some thing off my mind before I turn into betty bipolar (which I kind of done already) and turn into an emotional basket case.
I guess I’ll start off with the whole job situation. On valentine’s day, I went to a couple of interviews. The main one, was the one to work for St. Mary’s. In all honesty, I didn’t really care about the others, they were my main goal. So when I went in, I gave it my all. At the end of the interview, the manager told me that she was very impressed with me, told me I was a very eloquent speaker, and that she couldn’t wait to get me started. I waited and waited for the call back, and it finally came a week later. So, in a few days, I have to go and fill out a ton of paperwork and have a physical exam and what not. Luckily I’ve already been the General Hospital Orientation, and the Excellence in Action Seminar, so I get to skip all that. I’ll be starting on March 10th, so I’m really glad that everything has worked out in getting the ball rolling.
Eh, lately I’ve been a little off the wall when it comes to how I feel about my love life. So Vivian Green with it. (emotional rollercoaster) One minute, I’m all fine and dandy, enjoying the single life because I have more important thing going on that I have to deal with to be worrying about having a man in my life. Then I look around and see everybody getting engaged, enjoying life as a happy couple, pairing up, going out, like its fricken mating season and shit. Not only that, but my lifestyle makes me feel as if I’m way older than I actually am. I have a daughter, I’ve been living on my own for years, I’m getting my career moving, and I feel like I should be making steps in order to come full circle with my life. I don’t want to just up and be somebody’s wife or fiancée, but at the rate I’m going, I’ll never end up taking the steps I need to take to get there. That shit takes time, and I don’t want to be 32 before shit starts to swing into momentum. My mom didn’t get married until she was 42. Now, I’m glad she found someone, and I’m glad she’s happy, but I don’t want it to be that long before I find happiness. The dating world is heartless. It is so horrible. It constantly reminds me as to why I am still single. Lol. I don’t know if its just the men in my city, or if its just the wrong men. Hell, if you can’t find a decent man in church, your chances everywhere else are slim to none. I refuse to believe that all men are just worthless and full of shit. There has to be some good ones still out there.
Now, on to my next point. All of this is starting to make me question why I won’t just get back with my ex. Granted there are some things about him that irk the life out of me, but I don’t think they are things I just can’t get over, especially if he can show and prove that there is nothing to worry about. I’m just not understanding myself when it comes to him. There are so many good thing that accompany him, yet when I talk about him to people, I only point out the bad, then they always give me advice to leave him be. I guess that’s nobody’s fault but mine for downplaying him. He’s really been a great friend if anything. Whenever a date goes bad, or I get stood up or some other random bullshit, he calls to see how it went, and when I tell him, we either chill and watch a movie, or go out as a way to cheer me up. If I need something, he can get it and will. When I’m in one of those mood where I just need to cry or something, he might just look at me crazy, won’t ask why unless he knows I want to talk about it, and just lets me blow snot all over his shirt. No matter what’s happened, he’s still been sticking around. We’ve had plenty of ups and down, but who hasn’t. I just don’t understand why I keep pushing him to the side because of petty bullshit, yet I encounter somebody new, and put up with all the bullshit they bring like its nothing. When I think about it, it is mighty ass backwards to even say out loud. Maybe I’m just scared. I’ve been done dirty and lead on so much that I don’t think I really understand how it feels to really be cared for in that manner. So used to shit being a fight and a battle that I think if it comes to me easy, that it’s not worth it I guess. Now, after all this typing and realizing of shit…I’m still gonna do the same thing I been doing. Why? Because I am simple crazy as all hell. I sure can dish out the advice and the what not, but I never apply it to myself. Tragic.
I guess I’ll stop there. I have some other things I want to get off my chest, but if I go there now, I may express some things in such a manner that I would probably regret later. So yeah, I’ll leave it be.
Hugs&such,
nesa ♥
