2:18a.m.
Up for no reason, other than banging of my head and the pounding of my chest keeping me awake
Why is it that every time I get to a safe place within myself
Something happens.
Damn you and the spell you cast
Got all these females “in love” with you
Now they view me as a statistic, like I relate and shit.
Please…
Y’all don’t know shit.
He got that Jody from baby boy syndrome
Stop telling all these females you love them
Got them believing it and got me questioning you
I bet you just thought something when you saw that line
Probably almost spoke aloud
Maybe gave a funky ass look at the screen
Sorry, I know better
I let my emotions and lack of security get the better of me
But yeah, I know better
Come on though, how can I help it
You know how I get and you know how and why I get there
If you always passing out fake lotto tickets to everybody
When its time to cash in, how I know mine is a winner?
It is, I know. But you can’t blame me for checking the numbers a few times
This here though, is different. I can feel it, and I sense it.
You’re going through shit, and I know it.
But when haven’t I been going through it?
My distraction is gone, now all I have is thoughts and an overflow of emotions.
Plus, I missed you. Its been a while, I just need some of your attention
Just to know I’m still nesa.
Yep. “you’re tonesa”
That used to mean a lot.
Just need to know it still does, because it doesn’t feel like it sometimes
I’m emotionally broken
You’re emotionally scarred
So I try not to be so dependent on “us”
Its not healthy for either party
But we used to be a support system
Where’d that go?
I know, I’m buggin’. let me stop.
Still thinking to myself though, “did he get what I sent em?”
Maybe it got lost, maybe that’s a sign
It was a bit much, mushy?, much…
True, honest, but I’m thinking, too much.
Maybe it was for the best if you didn’t
I need to learn to hold back, get some stability
I had that. I was doing good.
Until today.
Shit pissed me off.
Yep, I got pissy as hell, because I feel like my emotions are just that
Mine
You can relate, but you don’t understand
My pain, my frustration, my hurt, my yearning, and needing is just that
Mine. Yeah muhfucka, I’m stingy as shit.
Code words, secret convos, bathroom duck out calls
Staring at each other doing nothing
The silly faces, the laughter…
Smiles, giggles and kisses
Y’all weren’t there.
Friends asking about me
Yelling hi to me from the background
My mom asking about him
Nobody’s asking about you
I’d be the one on the phone from the time he getting dressed
Until he heads out the door
While he’s riding down the street
When he gets to work
While he cursing out old ladies
When he’s on break
Wtf were you?
I’m just wondering…
Swore t-mobile invented my faves for us
Getting a call every hour on the hour
I was like a gps
I knew everything
Long ass phone calls with a 3 year old
Bussin it up with my mom about things I wouldn’t even talk to her about
Call just to fall asleep
Hang up or get disconnected
Called right back
Sleep dialing !
Be sleep as hell, soon as he speak, I was on high alert.
Were any of you on 3-way?
Losing sleep, battling frustration…
Tears, heartache, can’t eat, depression
Just fuckin iLL
It is what it is
Yet we always had to defend it
Didn’t see y’all on the battlegrounds
All the cursing, arguing, “imma cut you off” “don’t talk to me no more”
How many times I get deleted? Number got erased?
Lol. Right?
I’m the one constant thing in his life.
Aint went nowhere, don’t plan on doing so
Wtf did you blow in from?
They come, they go
I just watch
“wonder if they know who the real Mrs. ______ is”
Wait, me? Lol…
He could marry you tomorrow
I’d be at ya wedding
;]

Nah, this nigga y’all talking about, I don’t know him.
So we couldn’t be talking about the same person.
I can see where y’all comin from
I’m stingy, but im not a bitch. I’m actually very understanding.
Don’t know what was said or told to you so…
I won’t discredit your emotions or feelings, but you can’t have mine
Cuz you don’t know shit.

Yep. Take another sip of my peach tea…
Bic runga – drive; repeated.
Turn it down low and let the words lull me off to sleep.

Lmao.
PLEASE.