I got that tonight. Went something like this here…

*phone rings*

Me: hello?
Him: man, you know what?
Her: *giggling* damn, you couldn’t say hi first?

Ahh man, tag teamage…
This cannot be good.

Me: what I do now?
Him: yo, I let you off easy at dinner last week.
Me: uh…
Her: we got another question for you.

=/

Me: and what would that be?
Him: you said you not looking, right?
Me: nopes.
Her: said you were gonna just let it come to you, right?
Me: yeps.

Her: how you gonna know what’s coming your way if you don’t know what you’re waitin on?
Him: exactly. It could be right in your face and you wouldn’t know it.
Her: how you gonna know the difference between whats the real, and what aint?
Him: how you know you know being oblivious to the real?

There was more. They grilled me.
Nigs get married, and turn into dr phil and oprah.

But eh, good question.
I’ll do this in a light-hearted fashion though.
Im not beat for over-analyz-ation-ism

Top 20 of what I want in a significant other.

20. For you not to put my ketchup & mustard in the fridge, srsly…

19. For you to squeeze the toothpaste and all other tubular items from bottom to top, Not in the middle.

18. I don’t like doing dishes. If we have no dishwasher, can we please alternate?

17. don’t piss all over the floor or toilet or leave the seat up

16. don’t leave shoes and what nots in the middle of the floor for me to trip over

15. be my best friend. there can be no relationship if there is no friendship. hell is the point if i cant kick it with you and have fun without it feeling like obligation?

14. When we’re in the car and I start yellin at traffic and old ladies in big ass buicks, don’t look at me crazy, join in with me and toss up a finger or two.

13. If we have to, noodles, nuggets , and burgers are cool, but can we eat real Italian, Japanese, and Mexican food? Something exotic that most negros cannot pronounce? Srsly…

12. Can you not be suit/tux/dress clothes-a-phobic?

11. Have a young spirit and an old soul like me? I can chill with 40 year olds and vibe, can you sing along to music that was made before we were born ?

10: speaking of, can you please listen to more than just rap, watered down hip hop, ass shaking music, and that so called baby makin ass r & b? we cant be fighting in the car over playlists.

9. I don’t care if you can’t cook, can you at least pour me a bowl of cereal or fix me a sandwich every now and then?

8. Acknowledge that im not perfect, but know that im perfect for you

7. Do little things to make me smile and feel wanted, special, loved etc.

6. Remember there is no me or you. Its us and we.

5. Save you’re sorrys for when you really need them. But there should never be reason to. If you understand me and I understand you, I know you don’t mean anything you’d have to apologize for.

4. don’t lie or hide things from me. Be real and honest, I appreciate it more.

3. Tell me things I may not want to hear, but you know I need to hear them. I need you to keep me in check and in touch with reality.

2. Love my mawwies as if she was your own

1. Never take me for granted or leave me when times get rough.

I’m a simple girl. I want to live in a simple world, with a simple man, in a complex love that nobody understands but us.

;]

i dream of things that may never come true
i wish for things that may never be
i’m holding on by a thread
i understand my confusion
i am in love with love
and i’m fine with that

the future is scary, but i know i have to work towards it
you never know whats going to happen but you have to let it happen
i’ve set a plan in motion not knowing how it will turn out
and i’m fine with that

partially influenced, not knowing whats on the other side
kinda caught up in a fantasy, but my reality is there
i’m alone, but then again, i’m not
i may be in this alone, but then again, i won’t be
in due time, in whatever fashion, with whomever
and i’m fine with that

i won’t rush my destiny, but sometimes we just “have to force it”
nature knows best though.
;]

(don’t phuck me over nature, i’m banking on you !)
whatever, where ever, whoever, whenever you have what you have for me, better be good, lady…

there’s a plan for all of us.
a plan for me, a plan for you, a plan for us, a plan for we
nobody knows what that may be
i dont know what im doing half the time
but unlike most, i’m fine with that.

lifted.free.happy.weightless…at peace.

this has been a long time coming…
and i’m fine with that.

playing: janelle monae - you

i’m feeling so… ahhhsome as of late. ;]

buenos noches.

p.s.

i so wanna bite him -.-
lol, mayne…

The Half Experience
yessir, click that.

excuse the video. i’m just feelin real good.
out with the old, in with the new
focused on my goals.
validation !
had a awesome weekend.
was HIGHLY entertained, lol.
dusted off photoshop, what? even did a nice little photo manipulation.
pfft. must be sum’n in the wattuh, and imma keep sippin’ *two steps*
again, i curse too much, i need to knock that shit off, i know…
look, the video even caught me at a nice frame. shut, UP !
lol. imma go to bed.

baby please excuse my hairssssss ! LMAO. yo, i’m out…

I think too much, this has been established, this is being worked on.

Viva la bloggage !
Bloggage is better than baggage. - nesa

Yeah, I like that.

Anyway, today is one of those days.
gloomy rainy, i had to be at work at 8am……..

It started last night, twin was right, I should have stayed home.
Females irk me. Imma not get into all that though.

I need to change some things in my personal life and my social life. I have noticed that people are draining me or leeching off of me. They may be able to do so in one way or another if I don’t gtfoh ya know?

The mbf asked me about a month or so ago if I ever just thought of leaving or just needed to get away. Also said I was in a fish bowl and didn’t know it. I let my fear of being alone or without a suppport system force me into coming up with excuses to avoid the obvious.
Shit, I’m awake now and seeing things in a new light. I’m about to get my Obama on and plan for change and progress. Imma start my research on some realness. I gotta do what’s best for me and the mini me and this won’t cut it. Plus I’m not gonna let all that schooling and training go to waste. If alaska called me with a nice position, benefits, and great pay, id go kick it with Palin and tell all of you to suck it easy.

i’ve been thinking about planning a trip soon. REAL soon. i’m looking for a sign saying that i shouldn’t because i have this feeling…
you ever just feel like you’re setting yourself up for failure? lol, that how i feel every time i look at plane ticket prices. like “nah, dont even buy em”

i’ve been trying to narrow it down to a few places:
-the obvious one, but i wont even go there. every time i start that topic it seems to get the run around. (thats a sign)
-philly. would be ahhhsome cuz i’d get to see shannypop and “nem” lol i do have reasons why i dont wanna go there though. at least not now.
- ny would be cool, but im not really in a nyc mood. although i could see myself getting my carrie bradshaw on again. i ‘d manhattan
-dc or va or even md, so thinkin it. i’m sure id have maddd fun if i hit that area. i could probably get some shit together. lol. could even kick it with my cousin at hampton. i’ve even been thinking about going to school there since she 1st got there. has it been a year already? idk. my other cousin thinks it would be good for me. she been sayin it since been sayin it since been sayin it !
-cali. uh… lmao. i still say fuck cali, but i may actually enjoy it. take me to some chillness, and i’ll go ! maybe. why does cali scare me? lol.
- chicago/ohio/indiana, wouldnt even feel like a trip. lol thats across the street. maybe thats what i need for now though.

maybe i need to just sit my ass down until the spring/summer time.

i think soon may be like around christmas just for a lil extended weekend ish. really, i should do that. i think i have vaca pay too. might as well, you know?

Speaking of my mbf (damn, that was a zillion lines ago. off topic much?), I think I spend too much time worrying about being edged out or focusing on who’s getting his time or attention when I myself could probably pick up the phone and call more. Why let dust collect in my faves when he’s taking up two spots. Idk why I always feel like I need permission to call him now. Maybe I’m too dependent on him. Maybe he shouldn’t talk to me as much for certain reasons. Idk. I know I don’t like being clingy or feeling like I’m bothering anyone, that’s why I keep it chill. Its not like we don’t talk, so whatever. I guess that’s just me wanting things back to how they used to be if only just somewhat the same. Things change, people change and it all happens for a reason. Sometimes its for better or worse, you just can’t tell right at the moment. If he makes more time for me, I’ll make more effort. Shit, we could not be speaking at all or on some straight messenger, two lines a day type shit. which would be worse? i cant be on no kindergarden shit.

me: “nopes, you cant play with my bess fwiend cuz him no like you”
her: “yessuhn”
him: “yesh i dew !”
her: “seeee” *sticks tongue out*
me: “soooo i was here firstttt” ;[

somebody juice box gonna get snatched, and somebody gonna get left standin alone in the woodchips.
won’t be me. i’ll go play on the monkeybars and catch ya later.

in other news…

“i wonder if id fucc this up”
hm.
that question still lingers in my head. why? because i get a bad feeling when i read it. a “its possible” on some realness type of feeling. the HOW along with it is also there too.

grumpy, sleepy, happy and doc…
I wonder wtf that was about earlier. Oh well. We’ll see. or not.

he not gonna do nothing crazy tonight. he better not do nothing crazy. i hope he dont do nothin crazy =/

I’ve been praying for him even if he does do the same things over and over again. I’ll be glad when he does what he needs to do. I just hope he does it before its too late.

I’ve been praying for her also. I just hope she does what she needs to do in order to take care of herself and her kids instead of letting people stress her or hold her back.

Been praying for myself and living life through quotes as reminders of why I do what I do and how I do it. It relieves stress, keeps me level headed, and focused.

I’m too cute to stress.
Psch.

Lmao. I blocked chrissy. I just think she needs a timeout for saying dumb shit. She just called since I didn’t text back. Wonder what that vm says.

I got an hour until my shift is over. And I got a lil over time for coming in early. Chea.

Got my G1. Mari got a few new things. I think I’ll get us both new shoes and maybe an outfit or two for me. AE has a cute little brown and tan sweater and scarf set that I was eye’n. Might get that just cuz it reminds me of a pudding cup !

Life just wont let me live
Always wanna take when I don’t have shit to give
Gotta admit, life is fuckin corny
Waking up some days like “this shit aint for me”
Starting to ask why, but why the hell not
But am I not tired of givin it all I got?
On my day off I’m wishin I was workin
No time for idle thoughts, no soul searchin
Just can’t win no matter how I try to play it
So much shit to say yet I don’t know how to say it
Feels really good when you really don’t care
You can think that shit but your heart will take it there
Cant have friends, females always try to outdo me
Cant date these niggas because they only wanna screw me
Try to be helpful, but people take advantage
Do you not see that I can barely manage?
Think you hustled me, you really hustled my kid
“I didn’t get new stuff”, well I bet he did
Niggas always say borrow like they gon give shit back
Kindness is weakness, that’s a known fact
Why a bitch gotta do me dirty all for a piece of dick?
Come at me on some bullshit thinking she slick
But its them slime ball bitches that niggas go for
Act like a slut, the niggas will love you more !
I’m on some real shit, chill shit, the type you make your wife
But those the type of females a nigga DON’T want in his life
Niggas are ass backwards in their ways of thinkin
You can tell them real shit but it just wont sink in
You can say it verbally, poetically, shit, put it in an e-mail
To some people you’re gonna be “just another female”
I look back at shit and damn, love just don’t love me
nobody gonna say this is how its supposed to be
Am I complainin? Hells yeah im complainin
Give my fuckin all and what am I gainin?
I have the right to do so, can’t tell me I don’t
Imma get it because I deserve it, cant tell me I wont.
These other bitches complain, bitch for WHAT?
Nobody want you for a “wife” when you a lowkey slut
These heartbreaker ass females takin niggas down a notch
Shatter him all to pieces and then just watch
When I try to love him I gotta mend his heart
But this wall he got up is gonna tear us apart
These hot and cold ass brawds who fall in love every minute
Make it hard for real females who emotions are really in it
They quick to pass out, hand out, or give up the ass
Guess that’s why good girls like me will always finish last
Aint no way to do special shit anymore
Anything you try to do, has been done a billion times before
Females come, females go, won’t be no time for me
Irreplaceable? Nope, you better tell em B
Put a lot of time and heart into shit
Its like I get in the ring just to take another hit
Thought I knew what love was, but I really didn’t know
Took the love of one person to really help it grow
Took the love of another to really push it to the limit
I know they both love me, but neither are really in it
Not the right time, the right place, or the right thing
Gotta appreciate it for what it is for the time being
“when a good girl’s gone bad…” well y’all know the rest.
Nah not me, I look a life like a test
This shit is a crash course, not the final exam
Everything I’m not, makes me everything I am
To care a lot more, you gotta care a lil less
Gotta know that through it all “nesa you da bess !”
Life can throw a bow, knock ya teeth out, shit imma still be smilin
Hang with the boys on the weekend, “yo cousin, you wiiiiiilll’n” !
Have a few drinks while they spark up an L
Stop fuckin thinking so much and just in & exhale
I’m grateful for what I got and the people I get it from
So uh, right now I want you to give the drummer some

No ma really, give the drummer some !

Can’t touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable
Shake the unshakeable …
it’s nesie baby !
(repeats and two steps)

A little irrational at times, I may get beside myself, but I’m still the best thing since sliced bread, nigga.
Get chu a loaf !

People always say to act your age. Shit, I’m only 23. *takes note*

What you think you really want and really need, may not be what you need at all. So how do I stop craving it? How can I tell the difference?

Jealousy is a valueless trait, but I feel myself experiencing that emotion a lot. I don’t know why though, none of them can be n-e-s-a… guess I’m just stingy, especially when I’m not back in my comfort zone. Shit, I still question myself when it comes to dialing those numbers without prior consent. still don’t know when that happened.

i want my spot back, but shit…is it available?

Always trying to make some we time, when we both need me time

didn’t I say I was gonna stop over thinking? Shit, guess I cant help it. Maybe I need to speak up about things more. Nah, not my place.

Ahhhh, now I remember why my relationship was so convenient. Distractions !

funny how you and another female can be feeling the same shit, agreeing on the same shit, bout the same…damn…nigga. ouch.

You know, you could know that you could be the best thing for somebody, doesn’t mean they want ya ass. Lmao.

Speaking of which, if this were another time, and another situation, in another place, I could make him so happy. Dah well…

Its funny how the same love songs, the same heartbreak, the same emotion, the same stress that you feel for someone, they can be feeling it right along with you. LMAO, for someone ELSE !
Zing !

speaking of which !
aint it funny as hayulllll
how you can think something was so totally about you, and it aint?
fit you, but it don’t
can be, but it won’t
but i KNEW it. handled it like a cham-peen !
cookie cutter emotions?
maybe you were reaching?
replaced perhaps?
nah… right?
sometimes i wonder lol
would explain it !
fuckT up.
maybe i’m just looking for answers.
maybe i want something to be about me.

damn. attention whore perhaps?

I actually laughed out loud at that one right there.

Fake as friends
Lame ass lames
Nobody gets me
I wish my homie was here

wouldn’t it be nice if you could get the “buddy and the booty” ? she says jokingly.
Ha… i really didnt laugh tho !

Sometimes I think I’m annoying and irritating as fuck.
Ah well, I mean well tho…

Bitchy? Me?
So what, suck my dick.

i wonder if jamil got my message the other day?

Uhhh…
Its good to dream, but shit, when will I wake up?

Why do people never how amazing I really am? And if they do they still don’t appreciate it until its too late or I’m gone.
Not a complaint, just a realization.

i wish i could go with shan tomorrow :(

What the hell was I thinking about earlier that almost had me in tears?
I wonder if he noticed. Probably wasn’t paying attention.
Lol, I did suck that shit up quick though

i’m not cocky, or concieted. maybe a lil over confident in my way of thinking lately, but fuck if i aint earned it. i’m goin after mine.

fuck…all…that…shit…and…fuck…all…yall…too
lmfao, said it just like that ALOUD.
you better realize that.

Y’all do know tears don’t change shit?

lmfao. wtf did this text come from? new phone, no saved numbers. who in the hell???
its the country boy. should have known LMFAO. so fuckin random yo… (i was pondering that shit til i saw the area code)
my faves minutes used to go to good use when we were cool cool
i still say va sucks. population: me & you ass city. lol.
imma get my ass kicked….

sooo back to my thoughts…

Out of all the kisses…
Neck, forehead, cheek, shoulder, etc…
My lips have not felt another set of lips in forever.
That’s sad.
That’s a sign. Lmao.

am i becoming heartless?

“when a good girls gone bad, she’s gone forever”
damn, new blog coming soon…

I think lack of affection is driving me nuts. So much love to give and no one to share it with.
Its like my heart has blue balls lmao.

LMAO.

Okay, I must be sleepy.

When shit happens and you seem to not care, or you shrug your shoulders, or you just go “eh” or “=/”
You have reached “whogivesafuckphoria”

Not caring feels good, unless you really do care

I had more than a few good moments today.
Little things make me happy.
;]

i wonder when i think things, or say things out loud to you, do you hear them? lmao. that would be on some nextlevelhellyeahness!

Nesaspeak! aint that what kanTRE west called it? lmao, me likes. (lmfao, name came from that video) corona and singin dont mix! but it sure entertained me. i think that guy is HEElarious !

Plus I got my new phone today. Its dopeness.

I gotta find a way to start getting some sleep. This is out of hand. Maybe I’ll try the old way. Idk. I don’t feel like I’m there yet. slow and steady, i’m not goin nowhere.

Yeah, I’m enjoying the scenery. Letting things pass in slow motion.

i’m good, i’ll stay that way.

imogen heap !
i just want to put my head on her lap so she can rub my hair and sing to me.
i love this weird, big-hair’d, pale woman.

her music puts me in a place where chaos could surround me, but i’d still be smiling.

this song, helps me breathe…

this will be the only song i play for a few days…maybe.

i love music. if i could turn it into a man, i’d marry it.

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i’m done venting about it, i’m done hurting, i’m done crying, i’m done.
i’m done acting like i was cool when everything was said and done. i wasn’t. that made things worse.
denial is a bitch, but its the into of the book…
then came the chapter on anger, followed by hurt, topped off with sadness and depression.
alas, the chapter of freedom comes.
the cleansing… had to be the favorite chapter.

your picures are gone. no need to see your smile or your candid moments. no need to be reminded of how you used to hold me all cheesy and pose for ya cousin as he snapped pictures of so called happy moments.

no extra toothbrush in the caddy above the sink. no little bottles of cologne or things of deodorant reminding me of that familiar scent i’d love to fall asleep and wake up next to.

drawers and closet space now empty from where your items used to reside.

getting used to rolling over in the bed and feeling cold sheets where the warmth of your body used to be.

knowing when i hear keys jingle in the hallway, its not you coming home.

knowing that my phone wont ring late at night or early in the morning.

knowing i’m back to tossing and turning

no one to put me to sleep

no one to hold me until i drift off

no one to stay on the phone with all night until phones go dead

knowing that if i fall asleep with no blanket over me, with the tv or light on…
i’ll freeze, noise will stay in the background, and he light will burn until daylight.

but with all that, i know you are the one who will suffer most in the end, so i’m fine.

so i turned the page and started the chapter of laughter. looking back, being able to laugh and think of things and still be fine.
read right through resolve, so now i’m at the epilogue.

looked back on it all, learned a lesson, now i’m closing the book.

the end.