her: Whats wrong o.O
nesa: just tired
nesa: of everything
nesa: you ever get tired of caring?
her: all the time
nesa: thats me right now.
her: I think times like these are transitioning points, when you just stop caring
nesa: its like im fighting myself to care
nesa: and i wanna feel bad, mad, or sad at points, but i just feel more so emotionless than anything.
her: i know exactly what u mean
her: I feel like that in regards to family & friends & “potentials”
nesa: yeah, i was just about to say that
nesa: like, if i’ve been spending so much of my time caring for you
nesa: its like i dont have the energy to do so anymore
nesa: i mean, i care…but i just dont feel the same
her: you care but its like, you can care from a distance
nesa: you can tell me you got stabbed and i wanna say omg
nesa: but its like, im talkin to you so i guess you coo
nesa: so i just go “oh”
nesa: cuz you didn’t take the time to let me know wtf was goin on
her: lmao
her: im feelin like that a lil lately too
nesa: you love somebody, but its like they drain the hell out of you because they never give back to you, what they take out of you
her: exactly! exactly how I feel about _____
nesa: and its like, you hurtin me and dont even know it. i already dont wanna put myself out there cuz i dont like that feeling needy shit, nor do i feel like im bothering you, and i shouldnt have to be so extra just to get your time or attention
nesa: so i wanna be sad, but im so damn tired that i just dont give a shit no more, but then again i still care, so im confused on top of that.
nesa: its bullshit. -.-
her: yup!
nesa: i just feel empty
her: thats cuz people draining emotion from you
nesa: and whats crazy, is that they can fix alllllll of it by doing the simplest of shit, and just dont do it
her: yea
nesa: i guess some people just wont get it until you just totally vanish from their lives
nesa: some just wont care cuz they always got some other groupiehohukkastalkerboo to fall back on lol
her: yea and then they come runnin back… do good, tell u 1000 i love yous, just to drain again
nesa: wordddd
yep.
im tilting on, “eh”.
Lord please keep me from turning into a zombie…
im just glad to know i am not the only one to feel this way.
people are so used to me having emotional burst of insanity, that they know something is wrong when i get quiet.
this is probably my last little emotional sputter, sad to say.
i’m ’bout tired of reaching out to nothing.
chyna Says:
What can HE do to fix how you feel…honestly? I mean I don’t know this person but I don’t think any human soul who once loved you can just leave you out to dry. I know that’s what you’re saying in this entry, but I’m so optomistic. I know how happy he made you. The lessons he taught you. Shit the lessons he taught you that YOU taught me about how to be a better mate…those old school lessons from a big momma and nem. Whatever he can do to make Nesa be NESA again, I pray to God he does it. you are an intelligent, goal oriented, non-tackhead hoe mother which is HARD to come by. Maybe this is a wake up call. I had my wake up call when I was sixteen. I finally got the chance to date my bff josh. We were friends since I was 6! I knew his fam, friends, everybody. I wanted to marry this dude. I was down for him going in and out of jail and doing illegal things. Supported him by taking him to his PO and whatnot. I cooked and fucked him like no other. I didn’t nag him, let him play vid games, and disappeared when his boys came around so he can have some “me” time. That would satisfy anyone right? Wrong. He cheated on me with a prostitute. How did I find out? SHE called me. He gave her the number. What did I do? I thought you loved me? Of all, I thought you were my friend.
It took me 1 and a half years to get over that, Nesa. I was numb. I didn’t want to live at times. What could he have done to fix it? The only the he could have done was give me a reason…a valid reason so I can play the scapegoat role and learn from it. That wouldve sufficed. But eventually I learned that I made myself happy by achieving my goals….long and short term. That’s what you have to do Nesa. Heartbreak drains you! Boy, do I know. you are a superwoman. you have a hell of a lot going on and I recommend you throw urself wholeheartedly into everything else…work and fam and anything else. Will it fix your broken heart? Hell no, but you’ll develop a new love for your sense of self.
*hugs*
Sorry about the novel. I just really look up to you no matter if you knew that or not and I don’t want you to turn into a bitter, scoochie rat. You’re too beautiful for that…in and out.
[Reply]
nesa* Reply:
December 5th, 2008 at 9:18 am
As I said in the conversation, he can fix it with the simplest of things. Never said, marry me, give me 100% of your time or attention, didn’t say shut off the world except for me, didn’t even say hey, let just get together and make this work,
Can I get a phone call answered? A text responded to? If I call you from the hospital and leave a voicemail because you don’t answer, can you at least seem to care? Can there not be a reason, excuse, or some concoction of a story every time you neglect me? Can you just say sorry, I’ll try harder? And if the REASON is valid, why can you not fill me in so I’ll understand instead of being on the outside looking in? since when am i the outsider in your life? ME of all people. I know how to be there for you at a distance, I’ve been doing it. So why wouldn’t I understand something like.. “i’m going through something, i dont wanna talk about it, just hold me down.”
you claim to love me so much, would do this and that, yet we can’t get shit right, yet i never complain. I just try to see what the end result will be, but damn. i see no effort, no time, no gameplan, SQUAT. So how can I believe you really want the chance to be with me? Maybe its all been talk on and off just to keep me hangin on and confused. yet, i never say shit. I just let it ride.
I know I’m not perfect, so to always feel in fucking competition, drive me nuts, and I refuse to it. But i know I am damn near perfection as nesa, and that’s all i know how to be. How can i be so perfect for you, and you not try to hold on to that? I always put my all into the one i love, yet i don’t get it back. so yes, im drained. Not bitter, not mad. maybe confused, slightly hurt, but i just don’t think i’ll be effected anymore because i am so…damn…drained, hoping the next one who comes along doesn’t get overlooked because i don’t know how to feel anymore.
I put my all into everything I do, that’s how i got this far. But shit, I could be the queen of the world, and yet, it would be lonely at the top, yanno?
[Reply]
chyna Says:
Shouldn’t he be proving how much he wants to keep YOU? Not the other way around? Fuck competition. Aint no damn competition. If he wants to be a blind man, I’ll be the first to poke him in the region where his eyes are supposed to rest. If he doesn’t want to hold onto the diamond he has, let his bitch ass get gang green from the dollar store chains he’s fucking with. He’s not MAN enough to tell you he’s doing something/someone else. Its so damn childish…of all numbers, he should know Nesa’s. When he doesn’t answer, he’s either bitching up or acting like a straight coward. Why fight the good things you have in life? I hate when guys act stupid. He’ll learn when its too late. I hope you continue to be numb…but towards him. Let him get a taste of “fed up”. Salty, isn’t it?
[Reply]
nesa Reply:
December 5th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
right?
there may be reason behind it, but shit… if you dont let me know wtf is going on in YOUR head, i will never know. my name is not ms. cleo, and i am not trying to be your damn necromancer, there for it will STILL be your fault.
i mean, after all of this… i got in my car, headed off to work, and i felt free.
so hey, it is what it is, what happens will happen, and i’m cool.
i guess i just shouldn’t let this bother me or interfere with my life.
“she can have any man she wants”
but she wants your ass.
guess she gotta move on.
OTHER people do have my eye, although he has my heart. guess i need to keep taking it away bit by bit, put it back together, and give it to another.
[Reply]
chyna Says:
Run him over with your car and blame it on the slippery roads.
…wait no, I don’t want you to go to jail.
One day at a time is the best way.
[Reply]
nesa* Reply:
December 6th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
lol. i’m disappointed in him, dont hate him.
id run him over with a 10 speed, but not a car. -.-
i’m actually fine now.
i went from fuck it, to not caring, to whatever.
payin more attention to others now.
never know who’s the right one for you.
[Reply]