Nesa Nique » the AUDACITY

wait…what?

nesa* — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:58:07 +0000

Why is it that when you are happy, minding your own business without a care in the world, ever tom, dick, and harry all of a sudden wants to claim they like you, miss you, love you?

how can i like somebody for months on end, and it goes no further than casual flirting and friendly conversation? you obviously not checking for me like that, so why when I move on, you all of a sudden want my time and attention acting all cutesy and gettin salty when i’m not beat for it?

how don’t i even know you like me PERIOD, then all of a sudden you see me checkin’ for somebody else, THEN you breakin out confessing your love for me?

wait…what?
gtsoh.

Ex boyfriends and shit comin out the woodworks claimin they miss me, they love me, want me back, and are sorry for everything they put me through.

nigga, why now? is this a test?

any time somebody has my attention they don’t want it. soon as it’s not there anymore they jumpin through hoops, acting jealous and bitching trying to get it.

contrary to popular belief and against all gay acts and school girl giggling. i am indeed single. but i’m happy. i have no idea what’s going on but i don’t mind it. i just want people to leave me thee hell alone with all this out of nowhereness before you fuck me up and mess upwhat i got goin on whilst i am doing me.

so hey, fuck YOU, you, (you’re cool), and motherFUCK you.
stop blowing up my phone/email/text/smoke signals.

mkthxbai!

4.11.09

nesa* — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 06:21:46 +0000

This is kind of a long read i guess. Earlier you may have seen me post this on plurk\twitter:

Pam Beesly : mad i’m up right now. i feel so stupid with a mix of other emotions. God must be testing me, yo. This has gotta be a test of my character.
Pam Beesly: this has gotta be proof of my strength and my good heart and i swear all my loving and kind ways better pay off for me in the end.
Pam Beesly: cause i’m bout tired of beng taken advantage of and bein’ bullshitted by people for no damn reason.

this is why…

dion (4/11/2009 5:07:00 AM): What’s testing you
nesa (4/11/2009 5:09:11 AM): Man..
nesa (4/11/2009 5:10:17 AM): Lil’ before 4 something my phone starts blowin up.I don’t even check to see who it is, i just stop the ringetone, roll over and go to sleep. After about the 5th time, I look and its my ex.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:11:57 AM): I find it odd that he of all people would be calling me especially since we haven’t spoken at all in almost 5 months. I still send it to voicemail the next few times. He finally leaves a message and he’s saying it’s an emergency and to call him back.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:14:08 AM): He sounded a lil fucked up, so I call him back to see if he’s okay. He tells me he needs me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital cause his chest was hurting, he couldn’t breathe and a bunch of other shit, so i get up, get my shit on, get my daughter up, and get my dad up so i could take her over there.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:15:36 AM): i go all the way on one side of town to drop her off, another side to stop by his house and get his insurance card and a change of clothes and shit, then gotta run all the way to a different side of town to get to his moms cause that’s where he was.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:16:26 AM): the whole time he’s callin me every 5 – 10 minutes on the dot to make sure i’m comin and shit. when i finally tell him i’m on my way, he stops callin.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:15 AM): it took me 15 minutes from the last time i spoke to him, to get to his mom’s house. I get there and I call his cell like 5 times, call the house like 3, and i knock and ring the doorbell and i get NO answer at all.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:17 AM):
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:20 AM): Your heart is too pure
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:23 AM): I swear
nesa (4/11/2009 5:18:49 AM): But like, wtf was the point of all this.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:19:41 AM): was it a test or something. i ain’t spoke to him in any way shape form or fashion since like december and shit. and when we ran into each other a few months ago, we walked past each other and kept goin like we were strangers
nesa (4/11/2009 5:20:51 AM): so if this was a test, wtf is the point. why now, why out the blue like that. cause i know he not passed out, i know he aint dead, i just got a feelin i was bullshitted tough. aint no way he fell asleep that quick or somethin.
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:20 AM): Too good of a heart
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:30 AM): Fck niggas f’real
nesa (4/11/2009 5:22:02 AM): I just don’t get it, yo.
dion (4/11/2009 5:22:44 AM): Either he sadistic and tested ya ass or it was all just to say “yea she love me” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:18 AM): why at 4 in the damn morning tho, knowin i gotta get my baby out the bed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:29 AM): why after all these months
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:00 AM): shit pisses me off knowin i got myself, my kid, and my dad up at 4 in the fuckin morning for some bullshit.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:20 AM): then i feel stupid cause i actually did it without hesitation.
dion (4/11/2009 5:25:15 AM): Do you still love dude
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:22 AM): Of course I do. Dude was my fiance. but I’m not in love with him no more.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:57 AM): i don’t even know if i love him as much as it is that i have love for him
dion (4/11/2009 5:27:27 AM): Okay…and you guys split because…
nesa (4/11/2009 5:28:09 AM): because we were on two different pages and seemed like we were going in opposite directions, wanting different things.
dion (4/11/2009 5:28:54 AM): Hmm I understand
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:24 AM): I can’t even tell you to not be amped
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:36 AM): You are owed more than an explanation
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:01 AM): i don’t even think im mad
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:13 AM): im like, honestly hurt if anything. and i feel stupid
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:29 AM): Hmm I would be too
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:49 AM): Well not hurt but pissed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:33:32 AM): i think im hurt because i don’t understand the shit
dion (4/11/2009 5:42:50 AM): -.- what happened to you was full fishdicks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:23 AM): yeah. kinda fucked me up.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:50 AM): especially talkin to him and having to be concerned about him
dion (4/11/2009 5:44:14 AM): thats some “whenever we meet again” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:44:58 AM): like, i know what meds he take, what he’s allergic to, i know his primary doctor’s number, all his medical conditions, medical history and shit.
dion (4/11/2009 5:45:27 AM): DAYUM!
nesa (4/11/2009 5:45:36 AM): exactly
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:00 AM): you not only took care of the penis…you know what shampoo that makes his ball hairs nice
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:02 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:19 AM): yeah, i knew a lotta shit about him
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:53 AM): knew how to get in the crib and everything to get to all his shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:47:37 AM): guess it brought up old emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:47:53 AM): damn she had the secret key to the secret key that was located by the sniper that is protected by a bear and rupaul
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:10 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:15 AM): ion like people playin on my emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:22 AM): damn
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:34 AM): especially when they know imma care about their well being
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:00 AM): -tells ___ to fall over a rock…takes photo of it
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:11 AM): knee-suh come quick -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:20 AM): lol
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:38 AM): -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:42 AM): shut up.
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:01 AM): shit when i hurt my hand you better drive and be there
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:08 AM): i need someone to pass me muh dranks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:18 AM): pffft -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:34 AM): get bendy straws mah nigga
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:48 AM): -.- if i was __________ . . . .
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:58 AM): -wheelchairs away
nesa (4/11/2009 5:57:20 AM): you would be in good hands :]

after getting some rest, i was over it. just another test of how great of a person i am, i suppose.
i would just like to thank all the dickheads and assholes, fuck ups and bullshitters who have come in and out of my life because you have done nothing but make me a stronger, more loving, and kinder person. I think you want to be bitter, but instead you all make me better. i’m sure it will pay off for me and the person who ends up actually deserving it in the end.

good night. :]

lets get this straight…

nesa* — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 18:35:26 +0000

from this video i learned…

-change that damn ringtone. everything means EVERYTHING…
-my vids get captured at the worst frames :(
-just laugh at people
-love those in your life, fuck the others
-look out for those you care about
-i fucking love ME
-stop the idle thoughts
-live life, things will fall in place
-ex fucked me up, but i’m good now. i have closure…

Hell yes, i’m stingy…

nesa* — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 07:23:26 +0000

2:18a.m.
Up for no reason, other than banging of my head and the pounding of my chest keeping me awake
Why is it that every time I get to a safe place within myself
Something happens.
Damn you and the spell you cast
Got all these females “in love” with you
Now they view me as a statistic, like I relate and shit.
Please…
Y’all don’t know shit.
He got that Jody from baby boy syndrome
Stop telling all these females you love them
Got them believing it and got me questioning you
I bet you just thought something when you saw that line
Probably almost spoke aloud
Maybe gave a funky ass look at the screen
Sorry, I know better
I let my emotions and lack of security get the better of me
But yeah, I know better
Come on though, how can I help it
You know how I get and you know how and why I get there
If you always passing out fake lotto tickets to everybody
When its time to cash in, how I know mine is a winner?
It is, I know. But you can’t blame me for checking the numbers a few times
This here though, is different. I can feel it, and I sense it.
You’re going through shit, and I know it.
But when haven’t I been going through it?
My distraction is gone, now all I have is thoughts and an overflow of emotions.
Plus, I missed you. Its been a while, I just need some of your attention
Just to know I’m still nesa.
Yep. “you’re tonesa”
That used to mean a lot.
Just need to know it still does, because it doesn’t feel like it sometimes
I’m emotionally broken
You’re emotionally scarred
So I try not to be so dependent on “us”
Its not healthy for either party
But we used to be a support system
Where’d that go?
I know, I’m buggin’. let me stop.
Still thinking to myself though, “did he get what I sent em?”
Maybe it got lost, maybe that’s a sign
It was a bit much, mushy?, much…
True, honest, but I’m thinking, too much.
Maybe it was for the best if you didn’t
I need to learn to hold back, get some stability
I had that. I was doing good.
Until today.
Shit pissed me off.
Yep, I got pissy as hell, because I feel like my emotions are just that
Mine
You can relate, but you don’t understand
My pain, my frustration, my hurt, my yearning, and needing is just that
Mine. Yeah muhfucka, I’m stingy as shit.
Code words, secret convos, bathroom duck out calls
Staring at each other doing nothing
The silly faces, the laughter…
Smiles, giggles and kisses
Y’all weren’t there.
Friends asking about me
Yelling hi to me from the background
My mom asking about him
Nobody’s asking about you
I’d be the one on the phone from the time he getting dressed
Until he heads out the door
While he’s riding down the street
When he gets to work
While he cursing out old ladies
When he’s on break
Wtf were you?
I’m just wondering…
Swore t-mobile invented my faves for us
Getting a call every hour on the hour
I was like a gps
I knew everything
Long ass phone calls with a 3 year old
Bussin it up with my mom about things I wouldn’t even talk to her about
Call just to fall asleep
Hang up or get disconnected
Called right back
Sleep dialing !
Be sleep as hell, soon as he speak, I was on high alert.
Were any of you on 3-way?
Losing sleep, battling frustration…
Tears, heartache, can’t eat, depression
Just fuckin iLL
It is what it is
Yet we always had to defend it
Didn’t see y’all on the battlegrounds
All the cursing, arguing, “imma cut you off” “don’t talk to me no more”
How many times I get deleted? Number got erased?
Lol. Right?
I’m the one constant thing in his life.
Aint went nowhere, don’t plan on doing so
Wtf did you blow in from?
They come, they go
I just watch
“wonder if they know who the real Mrs. ______ is”
Wait, me? Lol…
He could marry you tomorrow
I’d be at ya wedding
;]

Nah, this nigga y’all talking about, I don’t know him.
So we couldn’t be talking about the same person.
I can see where y’all comin from
I’m stingy, but im not a bitch. I’m actually very understanding.
Don’t know what was said or told to you so…
I won’t discredit your emotions or feelings, but you can’t have mine
Cuz you don’t know shit.

Yep. Take another sip of my peach tea…
Bic runga – drive; repeated.
Turn it down low and let the words lull me off to sleep.

Lmao.
PLEASE.