i just don’t question anything any more. 9 times out of 10 now, if i have to think on something too long, i just do the opposite of it and throw caution to the wind. Granted after it’s said and done, for a split second i go “did i just do\say that -.-”

seems to be working though. i’m a lot more happy lately. Life is easier when you just don’t care to stress, question, or over analyze things.

er..
the whole moving thing…
after looking at local real estate, i don’t think i want to move any more lol. well, not out of michigan that is.
the job market is opening back up, tuition is dropping, and cost of living is just OD cheap lol.
$1500 a month and i can get a three bedroom two bath condo with a fire place, upstairs, downstairs, and basement. uhm, yeah. if you can’t do better than that. i’m cool.

been looking around for jobs, but im trying to figure out how the hell imm go on interviews without getting fired. ugh. hopefully get the job and not worry about it i guess lol. sheesh.

Really trying to get to NY the first week of July. So much going on that I need to take care of, I wonder if i’ll be able to go :(

I promised I wouldn’t be sad or let down if I couldn’t go though. In due time, all things prevail. so hey, i have another 3day in September if all else fails :)

Amanda is getting married soon. holee fudgin’ BAWLS man -.-
I saw her in her dress and almost had a moment. she looked sooo pretty. *sigh*
Her an Steffhen are great together. She’ll break her neck for him, and he’d do anything for her. They fit, they work, they’re happy.
I wish them all the best. Though I still haven’t gotten my dress -.-

I wish all my friends happiness. I keep them all in my prayers daily.

i pray that stinky doesn’t let his situation with “her” turn him into a bitter man. you’re too good for that. you’re a sweetheart with a caring soul. don’t change that.

PB! This week needs to hurry by in the slowest way possible. i will pray and hold a candlelight vigil until Saturday. you deserve it, it’s already yours, just go claim it! I’ve prayed on it before and will continue to do so until all test, interviews, and callbacks are done.

All 5 of my friends who are getting married, having kids, recently engaged, i pray for your happiness. tis a blessing! hope it continues. :)

To all of those who aren’t as happy, i pray for you to. Im sure once you sort things out, your time will come as well.

oh, and you to sir. dunno what’s going on, but i hope you find yourself soon. seem a distant, pal.

damn this curse of wanting everyone to be happy. oh well, good karma brings blessings.

imma go play Sims 2 now.
btw… OMGWTFAPPLESAWSE! SIMS 3 IS ABOUT TO COME OUT!
*dances up the walls like an asshat*
yayyyy !

for the last few months i have been letting go of my inhibitions and letting life take its course.

stepping outside of my box has been scary…but running away from new things will leave me left with the same old same old, and i’m all about progression. so hey, rock with it.

today is mother’s day, and i have been overly thoughtful of my life, my future, and my future family.
It’s scary and uncertain since i am in no way close to being where i thought i’d be in my life when it comes to that aspect.

a lot of females get criticized for expressing that they want a husband, kids, and all that good stuff, but a lot of us do. i want to be the wife who gets up, gets her man’s clothes together for work, get the kids ready for school, and start breakfast then head off to my own job.

that’s just me. lot of people my age aren’t thinking about anything other than fucking, sucking, clubbing, and drinking. if that’s for you, then by all means, DO YOU. but me, i feel i’m too old for that. i’m trying to build a foundation for me and mine.

i had a talk with my mom and P.B. and both points of views gave me insight and made me realize a lot of things. i feel better about things not going as planned, because i know it just means something wonderful is going to happen when everything falls into place.
thanks for the talk. :)

so, starting tomorrow i am really going to get focused on ME. you can’t build a houe if you don’t have four walls, so i am gonna start working on my side of the frame, so when the time comes, me and that person can put things together and build our foundation.

this weeks focal points:

-redo resume
-career search
-call and fax in paperwork about my student loans
-look into nursing schools, even if i have to move to go…i need to do this. (i dont think i wanna be a CMA forever. tho…it wouldn’t be bad, we get paid quite well and its still the medical field. dunno, we’ll see)
-open a separate savings account just for future planning.

i think that’s enough for now.

so yeah, good night, God bless, and all that goodness.

Pam Beesly : mad i’m up right now. i feel so stupid with a mix of other emotions. God must be testing me, yo. This has gotta be a test of my character.
Pam Beesly: this has gotta be proof of my strength and my good heart and i swear all my loving and kind ways better pay off for me in the end.
Pam Beesly: cause i’m bout tired of beng taken advantage of and bein’ bullshitted by people for no damn reason.

this is why…

dion (4/11/2009 5:07:00 AM): What’s testing you
nesa (4/11/2009 5:09:11 AM): Man..
nesa (4/11/2009 5:10:17 AM): Lil’ before 4 something my phone starts blowin up.I don’t even check to see who it is, i just stop the ringetone, roll over and go to sleep. After about the 5th time, I look and its my ex.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:11:57 AM): I find it odd that he of all people would be calling me especially since we haven’t spoken at all in almost 5 months. I still send it to voicemail the next few times. He finally leaves a message and he’s saying it’s an emergency and to call him back.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:14:08 AM): He sounded a lil fucked up, so I call him back to see if he’s okay. He tells me he needs me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital cause his chest was hurting, he couldn’t breathe and a bunch of other shit, so i get up, get my shit on, get my daughter up, and get my dad up so i could take her over there.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:15:36 AM): i go all the way on one side of town to drop her off, another side to stop by his house and get his insurance card and a change of clothes and shit, then gotta run all the way to a different side of town to get to his moms cause that’s where he was.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:16:26 AM): the whole time he’s callin me every 5 – 10 minutes on the dot to make sure i’m comin and shit. when i finally tell him i’m on my way, he stops callin.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:15 AM): it took me 15 minutes from the last time i spoke to him, to get to his mom’s house. I get there and I call his cell like 5 times, call the house like 3, and i knock and ring the doorbell and i get NO answer at all.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:17 AM):
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:20 AM): Your heart is too pure
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:23 AM): I swear
nesa (4/11/2009 5:18:49 AM): But like, wtf was the point of all this.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:19:41 AM): was it a test or something. i ain’t spoke to him in any way shape form or fashion since like december and shit. and when we ran into each other a few months ago, we walked past each other and kept goin like we were strangers
nesa (4/11/2009 5:20:51 AM): so if this was a test, wtf is the point. why now, why out the blue like that. cause i know he not passed out, i know he aint dead, i just got a feelin i was bullshitted tough. aint no way he fell asleep that quick or somethin.
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:20 AM): Too good of a heart
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:30 AM): Fck niggas f’real
nesa (4/11/2009 5:22:02 AM): I just don’t get it, yo.
dion (4/11/2009 5:22:44 AM): Either he sadistic and tested ya ass or it was all just to say “yea she love me” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:18 AM): why at 4 in the damn morning tho, knowin i gotta get my baby out the bed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:29 AM): why after all these months
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:00 AM): shit pisses me off knowin i got myself, my kid, and my dad up at 4 in the fuckin morning for some bullshit.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:20 AM): then i feel stupid cause i actually did it without hesitation.
dion (4/11/2009 5:25:15 AM): Do you still love dude
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:22 AM): Of course I do. Dude was my fiance. but I’m not in love with him no more.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:57 AM): i don’t even know if i love him as much as it is that i have love for him
dion (4/11/2009 5:27:27 AM): Okay…and you guys split because…
nesa (4/11/2009 5:28:09 AM): because we were on two different pages and seemed like we were going in opposite directions, wanting different things.
dion (4/11/2009 5:28:54 AM): Hmm I understand
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:24 AM): I can’t even tell you to not be amped
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:36 AM): You are owed more than an explanation
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:01 AM): i don’t even think im mad
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:13 AM): im like, honestly hurt if anything. and i feel stupid
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:29 AM): Hmm I would be too
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:49 AM): Well not hurt but pissed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:33:32 AM): i think im hurt because i don’t understand the shit
dion (4/11/2009 5:42:50 AM): -.- what happened to you was full fishdicks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:23 AM): yeah. kinda fucked me up.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:50 AM): especially talkin to him and having to be concerned about him
dion (4/11/2009 5:44:14 AM): thats some “whenever we meet again” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:44:58 AM): like, i know what meds he take, what he’s allergic to, i know his primary doctor’s number, all his medical conditions, medical history and shit.
dion (4/11/2009 5:45:27 AM): DAYUM!
nesa (4/11/2009 5:45:36 AM): exactly
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:00 AM): you not only took care of the penis…you know what shampoo that makes his ball hairs nice
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:02 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:19 AM): yeah, i knew a lotta shit about him
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:53 AM): knew how to get in the crib and everything to get to all his shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:47:37 AM): guess it brought up old emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:47:53 AM): damn she had the secret key to the secret key that was located by the sniper that is protected by a bear and rupaul
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:10 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:15 AM): ion like people playin on my emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:22 AM): damn
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:34 AM): especially when they know imma care about their well being
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:00 AM): -tells ___ to fall over a rock…takes photo of it
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:11 AM): knee-suh come quick -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:20 AM): lol
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:38 AM): -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:42 AM): shut up.
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:01 AM): shit when i hurt my hand you better drive and be there
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:08 AM): i need someone to pass me muh dranks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:18 AM): pffft -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:34 AM): get bendy straws mah nigga
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:48 AM): -.- if i was __________ . . . .
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:58 AM): -wheelchairs away
nesa (4/11/2009 5:57:20 AM): you would be in good hands :]

after getting some rest, i was over it. just another test of how great of a person i am, i suppose.
i would just like to thank all the dickheads and assholes, fuck ups and bullshitters who have come in and out of my life because you have done nothing but make me a stronger, more loving, and kinder person. I think you want to be bitter, but instead you all make me better. i’m sure it will pay off for me and the person who ends up actually deserving it in the end.

good night. :]

Man, i don’t see how you cannot get emotional.

Of course this was coming. You know I wouldn’t
January 20th, 2008… so much that can be said, so much that cannot be expressed. Joy, pride, and rejuvenation… so many emotions I felt while watching the events unfold as I sat at my desk.

Yes, I was at work. I got in trouble because I had the volume blasting, and I was not supposed to be watching CNN on my pc on business time. sue me…

Bad enough they mad me work on MLK day as well. Damn, the man stay tryin’ to bring me down.

This just makes me smile man…

I just hope that he can live up to his expectation to the best of his abilities. Change is here, but it’s gonna take time to progress and evolve.

At least yesterday, fireworks went off and not gunshots like the day we got the results of the election =/

Speaking of gunshots, effwhatchaheard… can we PLEASE pray for our president’s safety? People are still very very ignorant.

oh, and i love that they actually LOVE each other.

psch. who needs the cosby show…

- I want to be out of here. i already know where im headed unless i have reason to go elsewhere. ain’t tellin yall where though.

- i will find a job in the medical field again before i move there though.

- i want a house. but if im still single… i’ll just townhouse or condo it up. duplex, sumn… the house isn’t that high on my list

- i would like to NOT be single *coughiknowwhatiwastoldnottodobutsowhatitspartofwhatiwantcough* so i should be with someone who isn’t going anywhere. end up doing a 2 – 3 year engagement depending on when the question is popped, end up married by the age 29 – 30. holy shit im so close to bein old. seems a bit much… nah, i know what i want. i’ll have someone who wants the same.

- family planning. yep… i want a lil boy dammit ! so in the next few years, if all of the above is goin as it should. imma get me one.

- loose ties with anyone, will be cut. i’m already doing that. no idle emotions, and i’m too grown for crushes.

- loose ties with family will be tightened. oh, some WILL be cut too, because they just cant get right.

- me bein the person i am, i care too damn much and it really is hard not to. hopefully by then, it will be nipped in the bud.

i dont really need or want much more, don’t know what else to add. i just need to put some shit in motion. some times we’re so worried about the wrong thigs, that the right ones get overlooked.

oh yeah, i was told by a medical professional, that i need to destress. alrighty then.

hope you know what that means. starting today…idgaf !

Seriously, who was a fooling? If there is more than one person involved in anything, there is going to be a damn situation, and you have to consider everybody. That’s all imma say about that.

The other part, I won’t get into at all.

Hi, my name is Nesa, and I don’t know shit. I don’t know where I’m headed, but at least I know I’m headed in the right direction. I don’t know who I’m going to end up with, but i know we’ll both be happy. I don’t know when it’s all supposed to happen, but i know it will happen in due time.

I do know that life and love is not supposed to be easy by any means, but it is supposed to be simplistic. There shouldn’t be all this extra bullshit. I don’t want to be in anything where its swimming in doubt. Its okay to be unsure, but if you doubt anything, then wtf… why bother. I also don’t want to be walking into something with tons of baggage. Nobody’s gonna be at ease with any type of unresolved issues hanging over our heads. Yes, reality.

Call me indecisive. I don’t give a shit. I jumped the gun on my emotions without thinking it through. At least I thought about it. I already have issues. We all can’t be crazy and unstable.

And I’m paying people close attention, because it seems as if people are liking me for the wrong reasons. Great if you love my ass, hell I love it too, but I am more than that. I gotta watch how i respond to certain things when I like people, because that would just aid in their lust for me. I can get anybody to lust over me. That’s not what I’m looking for. Who gives a fuck about the physical. Fine, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes, can turn a few heads, but what about what’s in their hearts? Mental stability, compassion, real emotions, intelligence. Get it together.

That conversation I just had, did not go the way I thought it would, but I guess I just got some closure. I feel different now. Just as I did when I got up the other day. Who knows what will happen now. We’ll see.

Epiphany. I need to get shit together.

Everybody is working on themselves, eh? Well, my shit is pretty much together. I just need to learn how to handle my emotions better. That’s my problem. Chasing dreams when they aren’t supposed to be anything other than dreams.

one two, one two…
some dreams stay dreams, some dreams come true…

Some people really are still dreaming. Think it’s time for me to wake the hell up.

No more planning. My plan, is not to plan. Just gonna let shit roll.

sometimes I wonder if I’m getting complete honesty, yet I don’t want to assume. I don’t want to go back to friday night. I want to go back to 05, then move straight from there to 09.

I don’t care about my flaws or yours. i don’t care about what people think they know, nor do I care what they say. I just…don’t care.

I was told that I make it hard for the rest. Good. I hope I make it impossible, because I’m about to go for MINE.

Low daytime minutes won’t cut it, shits not comfortable, and no insurance as I’ve said before. You said you want to upgrade you’re plan, I’m waiting for you to call T-mobile. You can also upgrade online. Just let me know.

Can’t steal second base with your foot on first. Can we progress, please?
Either as this, or that. Lets just progress. I will not tolerate this shit in the new year.

The best plan is not to plan. The convo keeps replaying in my head, here’s our chance. You really want it, here it is.

No subliminal shit, no hiding shit, not holding back shit, no toning down shit for ANYBODY’S feelings. You asked what I suggest we do about us, I suggest we get out shit together, seriously.

I want all of you again, as long as you’re ready to give ME your all and not pieces to whoever for whatever, because you know I’m stingy as hells.

And fuck all of you who are playin me close just to keep tabs. If you wanna know what’s going on with me and anybody, nigga ASK. I’m not beat for the “keep your enemy/competition close” bullshit. I am in a new mind frame though, so please don’t underestimate me, because I am officially on my shit. So if that’s what you want…if you want what i want, you better want it more than me, and thats real talk.

yall know who yall are.

So you either gon make shit happen or watch shit happen or not know what happened. I will not be the latter two of the three.

Fuck it, let me unbutton the cuffs…

So if I shut up, bottle up, and let it ride
I look like a bitch, looked at as if im crazy
“whats wrong” “are you okay”
“hit me up when you in a better mood”

Okay, let me roll them up a little…

Now let me go back to putting my all in it
Being there at the drop of a dime
Try to call, text, IM, fucking smoke signal
You make it seem like im wanting too much of your space

Yeah, roll them all the way up…

Im confused, so let me just chill some, okay?
Imma fall back, let it rock and keep to myself.
Now here comes the “I love you” shit cuz you know something’s wrong
Soon as you get my attention, right back where you want me, it’s whatever.

Now imma just pull them the fuck off…

So I speak up, because I cant take this shit, can I get clarification?
I say what I want, shit I don’t ask for more than time, attention…
Maybe that’s expecting too much, so im hurt because I end up let down…AGAIN.
Say I wear my heart on my sleeve and that shit aint attractive.

Fuck it, imma just go sleeveless.

When you want someone more than you need air to breathe
Like when you want to express this ball of emotion within
But it gets stuck in the back of your throat when you try to speak
Then you choke on your own feelings
Why not just swallow your pride?

Words fail us

When the way we feel does not reflect our actions
Like when you are on the edge of not giving a damn, yet stick it out
I wanna say “im tired” “I cant do this”, yet I’m still there
I think maybe you’d make it easier if I speak up
Yet, words fail and I suck it up hoping you’d realize it and just change

Words fail us

When we do get the nerve up to say something
Then end up having to say it over and over again
And nothing seems to change in the end
And we want to just give the hell up, yet we keep talking
And our words just fall on deaf ears

Words fail us

When I try to write how I feel
And I end up with this…
And this is nowhere near how I feel…
I cant portray it…
Can’t get it out…

Words fail us

When I get frustrated as hell
walk away from my own blog and so called poem
Cuz words just fucking fail me.

Good night. Smh.

I got that tonight. Went something like this here…

*phone rings*

Me: hello?
Him: man, you know what?
Her: *giggling* damn, you couldn’t say hi first?

Ahh man, tag teamage…
This cannot be good.

Me: what I do now?
Him: yo, I let you off easy at dinner last week.
Me: uh…
Her: we got another question for you.

=/

Me: and what would that be?
Him: you said you not looking, right?
Me: nopes.
Her: said you were gonna just let it come to you, right?
Me: yeps.

Her: how you gonna know what’s coming your way if you don’t know what you’re waitin on?
Him: exactly. It could be right in your face and you wouldn’t know it.
Her: how you gonna know the difference between whats the real, and what aint?
Him: how you know you know being oblivious to the real?

There was more. They grilled me.
Nigs get married, and turn into dr phil and oprah.

But eh, good question.
I’ll do this in a light-hearted fashion though.
Im not beat for over-analyz-ation-ism

Top 20 of what I want in a significant other.

20. For you not to put my ketchup & mustard in the fridge, srsly…

19. For you to squeeze the toothpaste and all other tubular items from bottom to top, Not in the middle.

18. I don’t like doing dishes. If we have no dishwasher, can we please alternate?

17. don’t piss all over the floor or toilet or leave the seat up

16. don’t leave shoes and what nots in the middle of the floor for me to trip over

15. be my best friend. there can be no relationship if there is no friendship. hell is the point if i cant kick it with you and have fun without it feeling like obligation?

14. When we’re in the car and I start yellin at traffic and old ladies in big ass buicks, don’t look at me crazy, join in with me and toss up a finger or two.

13. If we have to, noodles, nuggets , and burgers are cool, but can we eat real Italian, Japanese, and Mexican food? Something exotic that most negros cannot pronounce? Srsly…

12. Can you not be suit/tux/dress clothes-a-phobic?

11. Have a young spirit and an old soul like me? I can chill with 40 year olds and vibe, can you sing along to music that was made before we were born ?

10: speaking of, can you please listen to more than just rap, watered down hip hop, ass shaking music, and that so called baby makin ass r & b? we cant be fighting in the car over playlists.

9. I don’t care if you can’t cook, can you at least pour me a bowl of cereal or fix me a sandwich every now and then?

8. Acknowledge that im not perfect, but know that im perfect for you

7. Do little things to make me smile and feel wanted, special, loved etc.

6. Remember there is no me or you. Its us and we.

5. Save you’re sorrys for when you really need them. But there should never be reason to. If you understand me and I understand you, I know you don’t mean anything you’d have to apologize for.

4. don’t lie or hide things from me. Be real and honest, I appreciate it more.

3. Tell me things I may not want to hear, but you know I need to hear them. I need you to keep me in check and in touch with reality.

2. Love my mawwies as if she was your own

1. Never take me for granted or leave me when times get rough.

I’m a simple girl. I want to live in a simple world, with a simple man, in a complex love that nobody understands but us.

;]