my week has just ultimately sucked major bawlsackage.
what a life.

he lowkey said my life is crazy. i said his is no walk in the park either.

him: you are life
me: is that right
him: yeah
him: i won’t stress it again

werd.
;]

don’t think i just forgot how we argued like an old married couple today either.

he acted like an asshole, so i got bitchy. he gets pissy, i flip out, he ignores me ALL day. he knows i hate that shit. i lay a “truth trip” on him, (yeah, cause it wasn’t no guilt shit, just realness) and leave it be.

“i don’t care”. liar… don’t i know you better than that.

came around tonight just in time, because as i said, my night sucked.

him: i guess
him: but ur annoyed
me: nah, i think im just miserable
him: yeah
him: u are
me: well, fix it.
him: how?
me: idk
me: make me happy.
him: how can I?
me: the best way you can
me: tell me a joke

*insert comic relief here*

few minutes later, i hear that ringtone, and see his face all on the G1 screen…

i answer…

(wtf… are we playin the same song, damn near same part and everything.
point number 3 billion 1 on the soul mate chart, but eh… who’s counting)

of course, the intro of random bullshittery that is him, followed by the lecture i KNEW was comin’ in response to all the crap i said to him earlier.

i wouldn’t be so confused, if you weren’t so damn confused.
as moms would say “yall better get it together”

yall ain’t ready.

i kinda lied to him tonight though. eh, he knows i can’t stop doing certain things. okay, well yeah…i can stop. doesn’t mean i won’t think about it. i can’t help it. i know what i want, i guess i just want it now. besides, if i stopped, he’d think something was wrong lol.

i shall “stop questioning shit”, as long as he does the same.

back to my “nonplan”.

hi, i’m nesa. you must not know what that means. ;]
check the evidence…

oh yeah, let the countdown begin.
hells yeah…

i’ll be back with a plan that follows the “nonplan”.

Seriously, who was a fooling? If there is more than one person involved in anything, there is going to be a damn situation, and you have to consider everybody. That’s all imma say about that.

The other part, I won’t get into at all.

Hi, my name is Nesa, and I don’t know shit. I don’t know where I’m headed, but at least I know I’m headed in the right direction. I don’t know who I’m going to end up with, but i know we’ll both be happy. I don’t know when it’s all supposed to happen, but i know it will happen in due time.

I do know that life and love is not supposed to be easy by any means, but it is supposed to be simplistic. There shouldn’t be all this extra bullshit. I don’t want to be in anything where its swimming in doubt. Its okay to be unsure, but if you doubt anything, then wtf… why bother. I also don’t want to be walking into something with tons of baggage. Nobody’s gonna be at ease with any type of unresolved issues hanging over our heads. Yes, reality.

Call me indecisive. I don’t give a shit. I jumped the gun on my emotions without thinking it through. At least I thought about it. I already have issues. We all can’t be crazy and unstable.

And I’m paying people close attention, because it seems as if people are liking me for the wrong reasons. Great if you love my ass, hell I love it too, but I am more than that. I gotta watch how i respond to certain things when I like people, because that would just aid in their lust for me. I can get anybody to lust over me. That’s not what I’m looking for. Who gives a fuck about the physical. Fine, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes, can turn a few heads, but what about what’s in their hearts? Mental stability, compassion, real emotions, intelligence. Get it together.

That conversation I just had, did not go the way I thought it would, but I guess I just got some closure. I feel different now. Just as I did when I got up the other day. Who knows what will happen now. We’ll see.

Epiphany. I need to get shit together.

Everybody is working on themselves, eh? Well, my shit is pretty much together. I just need to learn how to handle my emotions better. That’s my problem. Chasing dreams when they aren’t supposed to be anything other than dreams.

one two, one two…
some dreams stay dreams, some dreams come true…

Some people really are still dreaming. Think it’s time for me to wake the hell up.

No more planning. My plan, is not to plan. Just gonna let shit roll.

yep.
im tilting on, “eh”.
Lord please keep me from turning into a zombie…
im just glad to know i am not the only one to feel this way.
people are so used to me having emotional burst of insanity, that they know something is wrong when i get quiet.
this is probably my last little emotional sputter, sad to say.
i’m ’bout tired of reaching out to nothing.

Fuck it, let me unbutton the cuffs…

So if I shut up, bottle up, and let it ride
I look like a bitch, looked at as if im crazy
“whats wrong” “are you okay”
“hit me up when you in a better mood”

Okay, let me roll them up a little…

Now let me go back to putting my all in it
Being there at the drop of a dime
Try to call, text, IM, fucking smoke signal
You make it seem like im wanting too much of your space

Yeah, roll them all the way up…

Im confused, so let me just chill some, okay?
Imma fall back, let it rock and keep to myself.
Now here comes the “I love you” shit cuz you know something’s wrong
Soon as you get my attention, right back where you want me, it’s whatever.

Now imma just pull them the fuck off…

So I speak up, because I cant take this shit, can I get clarification?
I say what I want, shit I don’t ask for more than time, attention…
Maybe that’s expecting too much, so im hurt because I end up let down…AGAIN.
Say I wear my heart on my sleeve and that shit aint attractive.

Fuck it, imma just go sleeveless.

i dream of things that may never come true
i wish for things that may never be
i’m holding on by a thread
i understand my confusion
i am in love with love
and i’m fine with that

the future is scary, but i know i have to work towards it
you never know whats going to happen but you have to let it happen
i’ve set a plan in motion not knowing how it will turn out
and i’m fine with that

partially influenced, not knowing whats on the other side
kinda caught up in a fantasy, but my reality is there
i’m alone, but then again, i’m not
i may be in this alone, but then again, i won’t be
in due time, in whatever fashion, with whomever
and i’m fine with that

i won’t rush my destiny, but sometimes we just “have to force it”
nature knows best though.
;]

(don’t phuck me over nature, i’m banking on you !)
whatever, where ever, whoever, whenever you have what you have for me, better be good, lady…

there’s a plan for all of us.
a plan for me, a plan for you, a plan for us, a plan for we
nobody knows what that may be
i dont know what im doing half the time
but unlike most, i’m fine with that.

lifted.free.happy.weightless…at peace.

this has been a long time coming…
and i’m fine with that.

playing: janelle monae – you

i’m feeling so… ahhhsome as of late. ;]

buenos noches.