i wish you’d vibe with that, feel the words, feel me… understand.
step outside of yourself and see how much i love you
because i don’t know what else to do
and im tired of talking, wasting air
nothing more can be said, what more can i do
im tired, im exhausted, and i have to rest
competition is not my thing
begging is not my forte
i don’t want to feel stingy, needy, or clingy…
but please don’t LOSE me, i can’t be replaced
there is no insurance on me.

im afraid, because i know i care, but i’m feeling like i don’t want to anymore
scared that i’m falling out of love with you
i love you, but i’ve spent so much time being in love with you
and for long it has seemed fruitless, reward less, just exhausting
i don’t want to nag, or feel like i bother you
and when i do, i feel bad about it. why?
because someone is always going through a struggle that i may not see
but if you would talk to me and tell me, i’d know, right?

now I’m fighting myself because i care, but i feel as if its not as much
i love you, but maybe not how you love me
maybe that’s becoming equal now
because i think I’ve always loved you more
more than you’ll ever know
more than anyone that you know
even though you let them overshadow it

why do i feel bad about how i feel, when you’re messing up?

repeated. a million times plus 4.

Fuck it, let me unbutton the cuffs…

So if I shut up, bottle up, and let it ride
I look like a bitch, looked at as if im crazy
“whats wrong” “are you okay”
“hit me up when you in a better mood”

Okay, let me roll them up a little…

Now let me go back to putting my all in it
Being there at the drop of a dime
Try to call, text, IM, fucking smoke signal
You make it seem like im wanting too much of your space

Yeah, roll them all the way up…

Im confused, so let me just chill some, okay?
Imma fall back, let it rock and keep to myself.
Now here comes the “I love you” shit cuz you know something’s wrong
Soon as you get my attention, right back where you want me, it’s whatever.

Now imma just pull them the fuck off…

So I speak up, because I cant take this shit, can I get clarification?
I say what I want, shit I don’t ask for more than time, attention…
Maybe that’s expecting too much, so im hurt because I end up let down…AGAIN.
Say I wear my heart on my sleeve and that shit aint attractive.

Fuck it, imma just go sleeveless.

i dream of things that may never come true
i wish for things that may never be
i’m holding on by a thread
i understand my confusion
i am in love with love
and i’m fine with that

the future is scary, but i know i have to work towards it
you never know whats going to happen but you have to let it happen
i’ve set a plan in motion not knowing how it will turn out
and i’m fine with that

partially influenced, not knowing whats on the other side
kinda caught up in a fantasy, but my reality is there
i’m alone, but then again, i’m not
i may be in this alone, but then again, i won’t be
in due time, in whatever fashion, with whomever
and i’m fine with that

i won’t rush my destiny, but sometimes we just “have to force it”
nature knows best though.
;]

(don’t phuck me over nature, i’m banking on you !)
whatever, where ever, whoever, whenever you have what you have for me, better be good, lady…

there’s a plan for all of us.
a plan for me, a plan for you, a plan for us, a plan for we
nobody knows what that may be
i dont know what im doing half the time
but unlike most, i’m fine with that.

lifted.free.happy.weightless…at peace.

this has been a long time coming…
and i’m fine with that.

playing: janelle monae – you

i’m feeling so… ahhhsome as of late. ;]

buenos noches.

i’m done venting about it, i’m done hurting, i’m done crying, i’m done.
i’m done acting like i was cool when everything was said and done. i wasn’t. that made things worse.
denial is a bitch, but its the into of the book…
then came the chapter on anger, followed by hurt, topped off with sadness and depression.
alas, the chapter of freedom comes.
the cleansing… had to be the favorite chapter.

your picures are gone. no need to see your smile or your candid moments. no need to be reminded of how you used to hold me all cheesy and pose for ya cousin as he snapped pictures of so called happy moments.

no extra toothbrush in the caddy above the sink. no little bottles of cologne or things of deodorant reminding me of that familiar scent i’d love to fall asleep and wake up next to.

drawers and closet space now empty from where your items used to reside.

getting used to rolling over in the bed and feeling cold sheets where the warmth of your body used to be.

knowing when i hear keys jingle in the hallway, its not you coming home.

knowing that my phone wont ring late at night or early in the morning.

knowing i’m back to tossing and turning

no one to put me to sleep

no one to hold me until i drift off

no one to stay on the phone with all night until phones go dead

knowing that if i fall asleep with no blanket over me, with the tv or light on…
i’ll freeze, noise will stay in the background, and he light will burn until daylight.

but with all that, i know you are the one who will suffer most in the end, so i’m fine.

so i turned the page and started the chapter of laughter. looking back, being able to laugh and think of things and still be fine.
read right through resolve, so now i’m at the epilogue.

looked back on it all, learned a lesson, now i’m closing the book.

the end.

Why? Well shit, I can’t think of anything else to say.
Repetition is mind numbing
I’ve said it all a million times over
I felt it a billion times through, to no avail.

How many times can a heart pound through your chest before it bursts?

Maybe I need a good cry.

Release? Possibly.

Uncertainty? Most def….

That’s why the hell it’s so hard.

Gotta stop rushing my destiny though.
What I want, what I need, what I deserve, I shall have.

Maybe what I dream of, isn’t it. Maybe that would be all wrong…

Uncertainty, is fucking hard.

Can’t rush…destiny.

Tell my heart that. Its arguing with my head, my sanity, my common sense.
Is it the struggle, the fight, the determination of it all that makes me want it more?
The possibility of pouring ME into something, just to be tipped the fuck over and wasted again…
Fucking sucks.

Breathe,

I’m good.

To my future best friend, my future man, future lover, future husband…
My heart beats for you, yearns for you, and I have yet to know you
Yet to meet you,, yet to hold you, but I love you already.
I live life for you…

I put all my time, effort, emotion, love, energy, all of ME, into loving you
I dedicate my all to you, I want to feel as if I would die without you
Why? Because you deserve me…
I want to kiss you, hold you, cater to you, make you the king of my queendom
You can lean on me when you feel you’re about to fall
I’ll listen without speaking when you just need to vent
Try to make you smile when ain’t shit funny
Because you deserve it…
I want you to be so mad at me that you want to leave, but you can’t help but stay
I want you to be so pissed off that you reduce me to tears that you turn around and wipe away
I want you to say things like, “I can’t fucking stand you, but I love your ass”
I want the ups, the downs, the good, the bad, the beautiful, the forever.
Because you deserve me.

So when you find me, when you meet me, hold on to me as if you know what you have
Realize how special I am, how there can only be one like me
How you would be empty without me
Lost without me
Wouldn’t be YOU without ME.

Because we, deserve US.

Eh, guess there was something to say.
Idk where that came from lol