for the last few months i have been letting go of my inhibitions and letting life take its course.

stepping outside of my box has been scary…but running away from new things will leave me left with the same old same old, and i’m all about progression. so hey, rock with it.

today is mother’s day, and i have been overly thoughtful of my life, my future, and my future family.
It’s scary and uncertain since i am in no way close to being where i thought i’d be in my life when it comes to that aspect.

a lot of females get criticized for expressing that they want a husband, kids, and all that good stuff, but a lot of us do. i want to be the wife who gets up, gets her man’s clothes together for work, get the kids ready for school, and start breakfast then head off to my own job.

that’s just me. lot of people my age aren’t thinking about anything other than fucking, sucking, clubbing, and drinking. if that’s for you, then by all means, DO YOU. but me, i feel i’m too old for that. i’m trying to build a foundation for me and mine.

i had a talk with my mom and P.B. and both points of views gave me insight and made me realize a lot of things. i feel better about things not going as planned, because i know it just means something wonderful is going to happen when everything falls into place.
thanks for the talk. :)

so, starting tomorrow i am really going to get focused on ME. you can’t build a houe if you don’t have four walls, so i am gonna start working on my side of the frame, so when the time comes, me and that person can put things together and build our foundation.

this weeks focal points:

-redo resume
-career search
-call and fax in paperwork about my student loans
-look into nursing schools, even if i have to move to go…i need to do this. (i dont think i wanna be a CMA forever. tho…it wouldn’t be bad, we get paid quite well and its still the medical field. dunno, we’ll see)
-open a separate savings account just for future planning.

i think that’s enough for now.

so yeah, good night, God bless, and all that goodness.

p.s. i curse a lot.
i need to stop cut back. :left:
don’t act like you weren’t warned.

Right now, I’m trying so hard to explain how I feel at this moment, but I can’t. I think that we as women, and maybe even some men, have been dealing with bullshit and drama for so long, that we just expect it, wait for it, and are just immune to it when it comes along, and when it doesn’t come, we wonder why. We tend to think that something is wrong, because nothing is…wrong. Life for me at this moment, is as close to perfection than it has ever been. My family is happy and healthy, and so am I. my career has taken off and is moving along great which has caused my income to like, triple. Regardless of the ups and downs, break ups and make ups, I have my man. Almost two years strong and he makes me feel as if nobody else in the worlds matters to him but me. Things aren’t always 100 percent, but he is always 100 percent with me. I’ve become more at peace with the fact that he has super groupies and free range hos that are on him consistently, because I know where I stand with him. I spend plenty of time with him, not a day goes by that I don’t talk to him, and I know he’ll do anything for me if I need it done. Plus there’s a ring on my finger, sittin’ pretty and doing all the talking for me, so there is no need for me to say a thing. I can go on and on about him because he really makes me happy. Sometimes it’s the little things like the way he kisses me on the neck or forehead, the way he smiles that goofy smile, or the way he acts like a big baby when we’re sleeping, and he curls up under me, or wraps his whole body around me, lol or just how he calls me only hours after seeing me, just to tell me he misses me. I’ve always been happy to be with him, but there was a point where we both were like different people to each other. Now, its like I have the original back, but upgraded. Lol. I feel like a lil bitch. Giddy and giggling’ and shit. Ugh… Plus I feel like something around the corner is waiting to jump up and fuck something up and I don’t want to jinx anything, sooo… imma shut up now.

Anyway, I am so blessed that I cannot do anything other than be grateful, and continue to thank God for finally allowing me to get all the good things in life that I deserve after dealing with so much drama and strife. Good things come to those who wait, right? I’m just glad that i have peace of mind with all this. I learned you can have any and everything and not be able to be happy because you have no inner peace. Lol, I really am at a loss for words. I’m trying to explain it without being all sappy, lifetime, oprah showish with it, but I don’t think I can. I swear, I smile more, laugh more, dance more, I just enjoy life more. That type of feeling that makes you actually wanna give a bum a few dollars even though you know he’s gonna go buy gin, or makes you wanna be nice to everyone you claim you hate, or makes you just wanna strangers and tell them to smile. I’d probably get shot trying to do that now-a-days. Lol.

I’m sure you all have had enough of this candy coated crap, cuz I know I sure am tired of typing about it, so when I get something more tolerant for you to handle, lol I’ll come back,

♥ nesa.