Pam Beesly : mad i’m up right now. i feel so stupid with a mix of other emotions. God must be testing me, yo. This has gotta be a test of my character.
Pam Beesly: this has gotta be proof of my strength and my good heart and i swear all my loving and kind ways better pay off for me in the end.
Pam Beesly: cause i’m bout tired of beng taken advantage of and bein’ bullshitted by people for no damn reason.

this is why…

dion (4/11/2009 5:07:00 AM): What’s testing you
nesa (4/11/2009 5:09:11 AM): Man..
nesa (4/11/2009 5:10:17 AM): Lil’ before 4 something my phone starts blowin up.I don’t even check to see who it is, i just stop the ringetone, roll over and go to sleep. After about the 5th time, I look and its my ex.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:11:57 AM): I find it odd that he of all people would be calling me especially since we haven’t spoken at all in almost 5 months. I still send it to voicemail the next few times. He finally leaves a message and he’s saying it’s an emergency and to call him back.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:14:08 AM): He sounded a lil fucked up, so I call him back to see if he’s okay. He tells me he needs me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital cause his chest was hurting, he couldn’t breathe and a bunch of other shit, so i get up, get my shit on, get my daughter up, and get my dad up so i could take her over there.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:15:36 AM): i go all the way on one side of town to drop her off, another side to stop by his house and get his insurance card and a change of clothes and shit, then gotta run all the way to a different side of town to get to his moms cause that’s where he was.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:16:26 AM): the whole time he’s callin me every 5 – 10 minutes on the dot to make sure i’m comin and shit. when i finally tell him i’m on my way, he stops callin.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:15 AM): it took me 15 minutes from the last time i spoke to him, to get to his mom’s house. I get there and I call his cell like 5 times, call the house like 3, and i knock and ring the doorbell and i get NO answer at all.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:17:17 AM):
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:20 AM): Your heart is too pure
dion (4/11/2009 5:18:23 AM): I swear
nesa (4/11/2009 5:18:49 AM): But like, wtf was the point of all this.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:19:41 AM): was it a test or something. i ain’t spoke to him in any way shape form or fashion since like december and shit. and when we ran into each other a few months ago, we walked past each other and kept goin like we were strangers
nesa (4/11/2009 5:20:51 AM): so if this was a test, wtf is the point. why now, why out the blue like that. cause i know he not passed out, i know he aint dead, i just got a feelin i was bullshitted tough. aint no way he fell asleep that quick or somethin.
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:20 AM): Too good of a heart
dion (4/11/2009 5:21:30 AM): Fck niggas f’real
nesa (4/11/2009 5:22:02 AM): I just don’t get it, yo.
dion (4/11/2009 5:22:44 AM): Either he sadistic and tested ya ass or it was all just to say “yea she love me” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:18 AM): why at 4 in the damn morning tho, knowin i gotta get my baby out the bed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:23:29 AM): why after all these months
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:00 AM): shit pisses me off knowin i got myself, my kid, and my dad up at 4 in the fuckin morning for some bullshit.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:24:20 AM): then i feel stupid cause i actually did it without hesitation.
dion (4/11/2009 5:25:15 AM): Do you still love dude
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:22 AM): Of course I do. Dude was my fiance. but I’m not in love with him no more.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:26:57 AM): i don’t even know if i love him as much as it is that i have love for him
dion (4/11/2009 5:27:27 AM): Okay…and you guys split because…
nesa (4/11/2009 5:28:09 AM): because we were on two different pages and seemed like we were going in opposite directions, wanting different things.
dion (4/11/2009 5:28:54 AM): Hmm I understand
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:24 AM): I can’t even tell you to not be amped
dion (4/11/2009 5:31:36 AM): You are owed more than an explanation
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:01 AM): i don’t even think im mad
nesa (4/11/2009 5:32:13 AM): im like, honestly hurt if anything. and i feel stupid
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:29 AM): Hmm I would be too
dion (4/11/2009 5:32:49 AM): Well not hurt but pissed
nesa (4/11/2009 5:33:32 AM): i think im hurt because i don’t understand the shit
dion (4/11/2009 5:42:50 AM): -.- what happened to you was full fishdicks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:23 AM): yeah. kinda fucked me up.
nesa (4/11/2009 5:43:50 AM): especially talkin to him and having to be concerned about him
dion (4/11/2009 5:44:14 AM): thats some “whenever we meet again” type shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:44:58 AM): like, i know what meds he take, what he’s allergic to, i know his primary doctor’s number, all his medical conditions, medical history and shit.
dion (4/11/2009 5:45:27 AM): DAYUM!
nesa (4/11/2009 5:45:36 AM): exactly
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:00 AM): you not only took care of the penis…you know what shampoo that makes his ball hairs nice
dion (4/11/2009 5:46:02 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:19 AM): yeah, i knew a lotta shit about him
nesa (4/11/2009 5:46:53 AM): knew how to get in the crib and everything to get to all his shit
nesa (4/11/2009 5:47:37 AM): guess it brought up old emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:47:53 AM): damn she had the secret key to the secret key that was located by the sniper that is protected by a bear and rupaul
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:10 AM): pause
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:15 AM): ion like people playin on my emotions
dion (4/11/2009 5:48:22 AM): damn
nesa (4/11/2009 5:48:34 AM): especially when they know imma care about their well being
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:00 AM): -tells ___ to fall over a rock…takes photo of it
dion (4/11/2009 5:49:11 AM): knee-suh come quick -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:20 AM): lol
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:38 AM): -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:49:42 AM): shut up.
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:01 AM): shit when i hurt my hand you better drive and be there
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:08 AM): i need someone to pass me muh dranks
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:18 AM): pffft -.-
nesa (4/11/2009 5:56:34 AM): get bendy straws mah nigga
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:48 AM): -.- if i was __________ . . . .
dion (4/11/2009 5:56:58 AM): -wheelchairs away
nesa (4/11/2009 5:57:20 AM): you would be in good hands :]

after getting some rest, i was over it. just another test of how great of a person i am, i suppose.
i would just like to thank all the dickheads and assholes, fuck ups and bullshitters who have come in and out of my life because you have done nothing but make me a stronger, more loving, and kinder person. I think you want to be bitter, but instead you all make me better. i’m sure it will pay off for me and the person who ends up actually deserving it in the end.

good night. :]

yep.
im tilting on, “eh”.
Lord please keep me from turning into a zombie…
im just glad to know i am not the only one to feel this way.
people are so used to me having emotional burst of insanity, that they know something is wrong when i get quiet.
this is probably my last little emotional sputter, sad to say.
i’m ’bout tired of reaching out to nothing.