i just don’t question anything any more. 9 times out of 10 now, if i have to think on something too long, i just do the opposite of it and throw caution to the wind. Granted after it’s said and done, for a split second i go “did i just do\say that -.-”

seems to be working though. i’m a lot more happy lately. Life is easier when you just don’t care to stress, question, or over analyze things.

er..
the whole moving thing…
after looking at local real estate, i don’t think i want to move any more lol. well, not out of michigan that is.
the job market is opening back up, tuition is dropping, and cost of living is just OD cheap lol.
$1500 a month and i can get a three bedroom two bath condo with a fire place, upstairs, downstairs, and basement. uhm, yeah. if you can’t do better than that. i’m cool.

been looking around for jobs, but im trying to figure out how the hell imm go on interviews without getting fired. ugh. hopefully get the job and not worry about it i guess lol. sheesh.

Really trying to get to NY the first week of July. So much going on that I need to take care of, I wonder if i’ll be able to go :(

I promised I wouldn’t be sad or let down if I couldn’t go though. In due time, all things prevail. so hey, i have another 3day in September if all else fails :)

Amanda is getting married soon. holee fudgin’ BAWLS man -.-
I saw her in her dress and almost had a moment. she looked sooo pretty. *sigh*
Her an Steffhen are great together. She’ll break her neck for him, and he’d do anything for her. They fit, they work, they’re happy.
I wish them all the best. Though I still haven’t gotten my dress -.-

I wish all my friends happiness. I keep them all in my prayers daily.

i pray that stinky doesn’t let his situation with “her” turn him into a bitter man. you’re too good for that. you’re a sweetheart with a caring soul. don’t change that.

PB! This week needs to hurry by in the slowest way possible. i will pray and hold a candlelight vigil until Saturday. you deserve it, it’s already yours, just go claim it! I’ve prayed on it before and will continue to do so until all test, interviews, and callbacks are done.

All 5 of my friends who are getting married, having kids, recently engaged, i pray for your happiness. tis a blessing! hope it continues. :)

To all of those who aren’t as happy, i pray for you to. Im sure once you sort things out, your time will come as well.

oh, and you to sir. dunno what’s going on, but i hope you find yourself soon. seem a distant, pal.

damn this curse of wanting everyone to be happy. oh well, good karma brings blessings.

imma go play Sims 2 now.
btw… OMGWTFAPPLESAWSE! SIMS 3 IS ABOUT TO COME OUT!
*dances up the walls like an asshat*
yayyyy !

for the last few months i have been letting go of my inhibitions and letting life take its course.

stepping outside of my box has been scary…but running away from new things will leave me left with the same old same old, and i’m all about progression. so hey, rock with it.

today is mother’s day, and i have been overly thoughtful of my life, my future, and my future family.
It’s scary and uncertain since i am in no way close to being where i thought i’d be in my life when it comes to that aspect.

a lot of females get criticized for expressing that they want a husband, kids, and all that good stuff, but a lot of us do. i want to be the wife who gets up, gets her man’s clothes together for work, get the kids ready for school, and start breakfast then head off to my own job.

that’s just me. lot of people my age aren’t thinking about anything other than fucking, sucking, clubbing, and drinking. if that’s for you, then by all means, DO YOU. but me, i feel i’m too old for that. i’m trying to build a foundation for me and mine.

i had a talk with my mom and P.B. and both points of views gave me insight and made me realize a lot of things. i feel better about things not going as planned, because i know it just means something wonderful is going to happen when everything falls into place.
thanks for the talk. :)

so, starting tomorrow i am really going to get focused on ME. you can’t build a houe if you don’t have four walls, so i am gonna start working on my side of the frame, so when the time comes, me and that person can put things together and build our foundation.

this weeks focal points:

-redo resume
-career search
-call and fax in paperwork about my student loans
-look into nursing schools, even if i have to move to go…i need to do this. (i dont think i wanna be a CMA forever. tho…it wouldn’t be bad, we get paid quite well and its still the medical field. dunno, we’ll see)
-open a separate savings account just for future planning.

i think that’s enough for now.

so yeah, good night, God bless, and all that goodness.

Man, i don’t see how you cannot get emotional.

Of course this was coming. You know I wouldn’t
January 20th, 2008… so much that can be said, so much that cannot be expressed. Joy, pride, and rejuvenation… so many emotions I felt while watching the events unfold as I sat at my desk.

Yes, I was at work. I got in trouble because I had the volume blasting, and I was not supposed to be watching CNN on my pc on business time. sue me…

Bad enough they mad me work on MLK day as well. Damn, the man stay tryin’ to bring me down.

This just makes me smile man…

I just hope that he can live up to his expectation to the best of his abilities. Change is here, but it’s gonna take time to progress and evolve.

At least yesterday, fireworks went off and not gunshots like the day we got the results of the election =/

Speaking of gunshots, effwhatchaheard… can we PLEASE pray for our president’s safety? People are still very very ignorant.

oh, and i love that they actually LOVE each other.

psch. who needs the cosby show…

- I want to be out of here. i already know where im headed unless i have reason to go elsewhere. ain’t tellin yall where though.

- i will find a job in the medical field again before i move there though.

- i want a house. but if im still single… i’ll just townhouse or condo it up. duplex, sumn… the house isn’t that high on my list

- i would like to NOT be single *coughiknowwhatiwastoldnottodobutsowhatitspartofwhatiwantcough* so i should be with someone who isn’t going anywhere. end up doing a 2 – 3 year engagement depending on when the question is popped, end up married by the age 29 – 30. holy shit im so close to bein old. seems a bit much… nah, i know what i want. i’ll have someone who wants the same.

- family planning. yep… i want a lil boy dammit ! so in the next few years, if all of the above is goin as it should. imma get me one.

- loose ties with anyone, will be cut. i’m already doing that. no idle emotions, and i’m too grown for crushes.

- loose ties with family will be tightened. oh, some WILL be cut too, because they just cant get right.

- me bein the person i am, i care too damn much and it really is hard not to. hopefully by then, it will be nipped in the bud.

i dont really need or want much more, don’t know what else to add. i just need to put some shit in motion. some times we’re so worried about the wrong thigs, that the right ones get overlooked.

oh yeah, i was told by a medical professional, that i need to destress. alrighty then.

hope you know what that means. starting today…idgaf !

my week has just ultimately sucked major bawlsackage.
what a life.

he lowkey said my life is crazy. i said his is no walk in the park either.

him: you are life
me: is that right
him: yeah
him: i won’t stress it again

werd.
;]

don’t think i just forgot how we argued like an old married couple today either.

he acted like an asshole, so i got bitchy. he gets pissy, i flip out, he ignores me ALL day. he knows i hate that shit. i lay a “truth trip” on him, (yeah, cause it wasn’t no guilt shit, just realness) and leave it be.

“i don’t care”. liar… don’t i know you better than that.

came around tonight just in time, because as i said, my night sucked.

him: i guess
him: but ur annoyed
me: nah, i think im just miserable
him: yeah
him: u are
me: well, fix it.
him: how?
me: idk
me: make me happy.
him: how can I?
me: the best way you can
me: tell me a joke

*insert comic relief here*

few minutes later, i hear that ringtone, and see his face all on the G1 screen…

i answer…

(wtf… are we playin the same song, damn near same part and everything.
point number 3 billion 1 on the soul mate chart, but eh… who’s counting)

of course, the intro of random bullshittery that is him, followed by the lecture i KNEW was comin’ in response to all the crap i said to him earlier.

i wouldn’t be so confused, if you weren’t so damn confused.
as moms would say “yall better get it together”

yall ain’t ready.

i kinda lied to him tonight though. eh, he knows i can’t stop doing certain things. okay, well yeah…i can stop. doesn’t mean i won’t think about it. i can’t help it. i know what i want, i guess i just want it now. besides, if i stopped, he’d think something was wrong lol.

i shall “stop questioning shit”, as long as he does the same.

back to my “nonplan”.

hi, i’m nesa. you must not know what that means. ;]
check the evidence…

oh yeah, let the countdown begin.
hells yeah…

i’ll be back with a plan that follows the “nonplan”.

Seriously, who was a fooling? If there is more than one person involved in anything, there is going to be a damn situation, and you have to consider everybody. That’s all imma say about that.

The other part, I won’t get into at all.

Hi, my name is Nesa, and I don’t know shit. I don’t know where I’m headed, but at least I know I’m headed in the right direction. I don’t know who I’m going to end up with, but i know we’ll both be happy. I don’t know when it’s all supposed to happen, but i know it will happen in due time.

I do know that life and love is not supposed to be easy by any means, but it is supposed to be simplistic. There shouldn’t be all this extra bullshit. I don’t want to be in anything where its swimming in doubt. Its okay to be unsure, but if you doubt anything, then wtf… why bother. I also don’t want to be walking into something with tons of baggage. Nobody’s gonna be at ease with any type of unresolved issues hanging over our heads. Yes, reality.

Call me indecisive. I don’t give a shit. I jumped the gun on my emotions without thinking it through. At least I thought about it. I already have issues. We all can’t be crazy and unstable.

And I’m paying people close attention, because it seems as if people are liking me for the wrong reasons. Great if you love my ass, hell I love it too, but I am more than that. I gotta watch how i respond to certain things when I like people, because that would just aid in their lust for me. I can get anybody to lust over me. That’s not what I’m looking for. Who gives a fuck about the physical. Fine, we all want someone who is easy on the eyes, can turn a few heads, but what about what’s in their hearts? Mental stability, compassion, real emotions, intelligence. Get it together.

That conversation I just had, did not go the way I thought it would, but I guess I just got some closure. I feel different now. Just as I did when I got up the other day. Who knows what will happen now. We’ll see.

Epiphany. I need to get shit together.

Everybody is working on themselves, eh? Well, my shit is pretty much together. I just need to learn how to handle my emotions better. That’s my problem. Chasing dreams when they aren’t supposed to be anything other than dreams.

one two, one two…
some dreams stay dreams, some dreams come true…

Some people really are still dreaming. Think it’s time for me to wake the hell up.

No more planning. My plan, is not to plan. Just gonna let shit roll.

sometimes I wonder if I’m getting complete honesty, yet I don’t want to assume. I don’t want to go back to friday night. I want to go back to 05, then move straight from there to 09.

I don’t care about my flaws or yours. i don’t care about what people think they know, nor do I care what they say. I just…don’t care.

I was told that I make it hard for the rest. Good. I hope I make it impossible, because I’m about to go for MINE.

Low daytime minutes won’t cut it, shits not comfortable, and no insurance as I’ve said before. You said you want to upgrade you’re plan, I’m waiting for you to call T-mobile. You can also upgrade online. Just let me know.

Can’t steal second base with your foot on first. Can we progress, please?
Either as this, or that. Lets just progress. I will not tolerate this shit in the new year.

The best plan is not to plan. The convo keeps replaying in my head, here’s our chance. You really want it, here it is.

No subliminal shit, no hiding shit, not holding back shit, no toning down shit for ANYBODY’S feelings. You asked what I suggest we do about us, I suggest we get out shit together, seriously.

I want all of you again, as long as you’re ready to give ME your all and not pieces to whoever for whatever, because you know I’m stingy as hells.

And fuck all of you who are playin me close just to keep tabs. If you wanna know what’s going on with me and anybody, nigga ASK. I’m not beat for the “keep your enemy/competition close” bullshit. I am in a new mind frame though, so please don’t underestimate me, because I am officially on my shit. So if that’s what you want…if you want what i want, you better want it more than me, and thats real talk.

yall know who yall are.

So you either gon make shit happen or watch shit happen or not know what happened. I will not be the latter two of the three.

yep.
im tilting on, “eh”.
Lord please keep me from turning into a zombie…
im just glad to know i am not the only one to feel this way.
people are so used to me having emotional burst of insanity, that they know something is wrong when i get quiet.
this is probably my last little emotional sputter, sad to say.
i’m ’bout tired of reaching out to nothing.

i wish you’d vibe with that, feel the words, feel me… understand.
step outside of yourself and see how much i love you
because i don’t know what else to do
and im tired of talking, wasting air
nothing more can be said, what more can i do
im tired, im exhausted, and i have to rest
competition is not my thing
begging is not my forte
i don’t want to feel stingy, needy, or clingy…
but please don’t LOSE me, i can’t be replaced
there is no insurance on me.

im afraid, because i know i care, but i’m feeling like i don’t want to anymore
scared that i’m falling out of love with you
i love you, but i’ve spent so much time being in love with you
and for long it has seemed fruitless, reward less, just exhausting
i don’t want to nag, or feel like i bother you
and when i do, i feel bad about it. why?
because someone is always going through a struggle that i may not see
but if you would talk to me and tell me, i’d know, right?

now I’m fighting myself because i care, but i feel as if its not as much
i love you, but maybe not how you love me
maybe that’s becoming equal now
because i think I’ve always loved you more
more than you’ll ever know
more than anyone that you know
even though you let them overshadow it

why do i feel bad about how i feel, when you’re messing up?

repeated. a million times plus 4.

I think too much, this has been established, this is being worked on.

Viva la bloggage !
Bloggage is better than baggage. – nesa

Yeah, I like that.

Anyway, today is one of those days.
gloomy rainy, i had to be at work at 8am……..

It started last night, twin was right, I should have stayed home.
Females irk me. Imma not get into all that though.

I need to change some things in my personal life and my social life. I have noticed that people are draining me or leeching off of me. They may be able to do so in one way or another if I don’t gtfoh ya know?

The mbf asked me about a month or so ago if I ever just thought of leaving or just needed to get away. Also said I was in a fish bowl and didn’t know it. I let my fear of being alone or without a suppport system force me into coming up with excuses to avoid the obvious.
Shit, I’m awake now and seeing things in a new light. I’m about to get my Obama on and plan for change and progress. Imma start my research on some realness. I gotta do what’s best for me and the mini me and this won’t cut it. Plus I’m not gonna let all that schooling and training go to waste. If alaska called me with a nice position, benefits, and great pay, id go kick it with Palin and tell all of you to suck it easy.

i’ve been thinking about planning a trip soon. REAL soon. i’m looking for a sign saying that i shouldn’t because i have this feeling…
you ever just feel like you’re setting yourself up for failure? lol, that how i feel every time i look at plane ticket prices. like “nah, dont even buy em”

i’ve been trying to narrow it down to a few places:
-the obvious one, but i wont even go there. every time i start that topic it seems to get the run around. (thats a sign)
-philly. would be ahhhsome cuz i’d get to see shannypop and “nem” lol i do have reasons why i dont wanna go there though. at least not now.
- ny would be cool, but im not really in a nyc mood. although i could see myself getting my carrie bradshaw on again. i ‘d manhattan
-dc or va or even md, so thinkin it. i’m sure id have maddd fun if i hit that area. i could probably get some shit together. lol. could even kick it with my cousin at hampton. i’ve even been thinking about going to school there since she 1st got there. has it been a year already? idk. my other cousin thinks it would be good for me. she been sayin it since been sayin it since been sayin it !
-cali. uh… lmao. i still say fuck cali, but i may actually enjoy it. take me to some chillness, and i’ll go ! maybe. why does cali scare me? lol.
- chicago/ohio/indiana, wouldnt even feel like a trip. lol thats across the street. maybe thats what i need for now though.

maybe i need to just sit my ass down until the spring/summer time.

i think soon may be like around christmas just for a lil extended weekend ish. really, i should do that. i think i have vaca pay too. might as well, you know?

Speaking of my mbf (damn, that was a zillion lines ago. off topic much?), I think I spend too much time worrying about being edged out or focusing on who’s getting his time or attention when I myself could probably pick up the phone and call more. Why let dust collect in my faves when he’s taking up two spots. Idk why I always feel like I need permission to call him now. Maybe I’m too dependent on him. Maybe he shouldn’t talk to me as much for certain reasons. Idk. I know I don’t like being clingy or feeling like I’m bothering anyone, that’s why I keep it chill. Its not like we don’t talk, so whatever. I guess that’s just me wanting things back to how they used to be if only just somewhat the same. Things change, people change and it all happens for a reason. Sometimes its for better or worse, you just can’t tell right at the moment. If he makes more time for me, I’ll make more effort. Shit, we could not be speaking at all or on some straight messenger, two lines a day type shit. which would be worse? i cant be on no kindergarden shit.

me: “nopes, you cant play with my bess fwiend cuz him no like you”
her: “yessuhn”
him: “yesh i dew !”
her: “seeee” *sticks tongue out*
me: “soooo i was here firstttt” ;[

somebody juice box gonna get snatched, and somebody gonna get left standin alone in the woodchips.
won’t be me. i’ll go play on the monkeybars and catch ya later.

in other news…

“i wonder if id fucc this up”
hm.
that question still lingers in my head. why? because i get a bad feeling when i read it. a “its possible” on some realness type of feeling. the HOW along with it is also there too.

grumpy, sleepy, happy and doc…
I wonder wtf that was about earlier. Oh well. We’ll see. or not.

he not gonna do nothing crazy tonight. he better not do nothing crazy. i hope he dont do nothin crazy =/

I’ve been praying for him even if he does do the same things over and over again. I’ll be glad when he does what he needs to do. I just hope he does it before its too late.

I’ve been praying for her also. I just hope she does what she needs to do in order to take care of herself and her kids instead of letting people stress her or hold her back.

Been praying for myself and living life through quotes as reminders of why I do what I do and how I do it. It relieves stress, keeps me level headed, and focused.

I’m too cute to stress.
Psch.

Lmao. I blocked chrissy. I just think she needs a timeout for saying dumb shit. She just called since I didn’t text back. Wonder what that vm says.

I got an hour until my shift is over. And I got a lil over time for coming in early. Chea.

Got my G1. Mari got a few new things. I think I’ll get us both new shoes and maybe an outfit or two for me. AE has a cute little brown and tan sweater and scarf set that I was eye’n. Might get that just cuz it reminds me of a pudding cup !